Cultural Chameleons by Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse)

Praying at home or the masjid, and then sneaking out to party at a nightclub. Wearing hijaab around family, and then turning into a fashion diva at school.

One person, two worlds, and a desperate struggle to juggle them both.

This is the reality which many Muslim youth in the West are living in. We can call them “cultural chameleons,” or describe them as having “split personalities.” Whatever the label, the situation is the same… with often tragic consequences. I’m not just referring to Aqsa Parvez’s devastating death, but rather I refer to the many grievous examples of teens running away from home, getting into drugs, and much more -the worst of which is turning away totally from Islam, rejecting it completely. I am not exaggerating. Those who say I’m being a tabloid journalist or a sensationalist don’t know anything. My father, as a leader within the Muslim community for the last 13 years, has seen it all and continues to deal with such instances on a daily basis. It’s a reality, and those who deny it are either willfully blind or pitifully naive.

It is time that we addressed the situation seriously. First there must be awareness of the reality and knowledge of its causes. The next step is to know what to do when faced with it directly (hint: it does NOT involve killing anyone). And finally, we need to know how to nip the problem in the bud – an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.

Causes

Although each situation is different, there is a general list of what can cause this worst nightmare of any Muslim parent.

1. Lack of strong Islamic foundation in the home. As with most things, it begins in your own backyard. If you aren’t raising your children as Muslims with a strong understanding of what it means to be a Muslim, then you can’t expect them to be happy about having to follow strict rules all the time. It’s also important to note the difference between Islam and culture. If you don’t pray five times a day, or encourage your kids to pray, yet freak out if a female family member walks out with her head uncovered, then you really need to straighten out your priorities.

2. Double standards. Related to the first point, here we’re talking about when parents are setting a double standard for themselves and their children: in public they seek to ingratiate themselves within Western society, to achieve the American dream of big house, fancy car, and being best friends with the Joneses next door; yet at home they are obsessed with their children following cultural practices that aren’t even necessarily Islamic. It should be no surprise, then, when the children follow in their parents’ footsteps and start living a double life themselves.

3. Lack of personal understanding/conviction of Islam. This is another major factor in youth straying from Islam. Again related to the first point – if you don’t have a strong Islamic foundation in the home, then there will be most likely a lack of understanding of what exactly it means to be a Muslim. If you don’t know the reason behind something, how likely are you to do something if you view it as restrictive and interfering? If you tell your children to pray because if they don’t they’ll burn in Hell, then trust me, they won’t be doing it out of love for Allah – they’ll be doing it out fear… and not even fear of Allah, but fear of you. Similarly, if you tell a girl she has to wear hijaab because otherwise she’ll “stain the family’s honor” or some-such rubbish like that, then once she’s exposed to the Western mentality of freedom (and total lack of anything resembling honor) she won’t give two hoots about the hijaab or your notions of honor. On the other hand, if your child has a personal relationship with Allah and knows exactly why we do some things and stay away from others, they will be far more willing to tough it out and continue to obey Allah.

4. General teen rebellion. Sometimes, teens can just be idiots. (I’m allowed to say that because I am a teen) Common sense is a rare thing amongst youth these days, and it shows… sadly, some take it too far – beyond the streaked hair and pierced bellybutton (hey, as long as it’s covered up by hijaab, be cool with it!) – and make some really bad choices.

5. Insecurity. This is something which affects people everywhere, regardless of their race, religion, or even age. The desire to want to “fit in” and become an accepted member of the crowd is human nature – sometimes it can be a good thing; other times it’s not so great. For girls, the issue is often about body image and beauty, which is why hijaab becomes such a struggle. For guys, it can be about proving their “manliness” (by pursuing other girls, or getting involved in ‘tough guy’ activities like drinking alcohol, etc.). In his series “Children Around the Messenger,” Sheikh Hesham al-Awadhi discusses how to prevent insecurities from the outset: build your child’s self-esteem at home and let them know that they don’t need to seek approval from anyone except Allah. Compliment your children, praise them, and let them be confident in their faith and in themselves. Tell your son that he’s cool. Tell your daughter that she’s beautiful. Don’t demean them or belittle them; honor them as the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) honored his daughter Fatimah (radhiAllahu ‘anha) by giving her his sitting place.

6. Bad companions. The Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) said: “The example of a good companion and a bad one is the bearer of musk and the worker on the bellows. A bearer of musk would give you some, you might buy some from him, or you might enjoy the fragrance of his musk. The worker on the bellows, on the other hand, might spoil your clothes with sparks from his bellows, or you get a bad smell from him.” (Reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim, this version being Muslim’s)

Undoubtedly, the kind of people your kids hang out with will have a huge influence on them – especially at school, which is what a teen’s life pretty much revolves around. Non-Muslims (and even so-called “Muslims”) who have totally different standards morality-wise will definitely make life difficult for your kid: challenging Islam and belittling all that it stands for. While I know that many will say it’s a great Da’wah opportunity, or that it builds character and can be a way to strengthen emaan, the reality is that not all youth are strong enough to emerge the company of such people unscathed. Sadly, we have lost too many of the younger generations to Shaytaan’s misguided lifestyle, and we can’t use a minority of successful young Muslims to deny that reality.

7. The “Adolescent” Myth. As covered in a previous MM article, this mentality is one of “I’m young, let me have fun and then I’ll be religious when I’m older!” It’s an attitude of irresponsibility, immaturity, and misunderstanding of Islam and the purpose of our lives. By absolving oneself of responsibility, it’s easier for teens to indulge in the haraam without feeling so guilty about it. Thus, it’s obviously very important to instill a sense of responsibility and dutifulness to Allah in our youth – basically, to abolish this kind of mentality.

Symptoms

How do you know if your child, your sibling, or your friend is a “cultural chameleon”? It can be difficult to spot it, but however much a kid can try to sneak around, those closest to them can usually figure out what’s going on. Here are some of the symptoms of the double-life syndrome.

1. Change of attitude. Increased rebellion, aggression, and disrespect are major red flags. If they’re behaving like that towards you, do you think they won’t behave like that towards Allah? In fact, if they are acting like that with you, then already they’re showing their defiance of Allah! Taqwa and good behavior to parents go hand-in-hand: “And your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents.” (Surah al-Israa, verse 23)

2. Shows dislike of Islamic practices. (“Yuck, hijaab is so old-fashioned,” “What’s the point of praying? It’s stupid!” etc.) This is particularly obvious in a household that is generally religious, or has more than just a tentative connection to the Deen.

3. Secretive, sneaky. It’s important for parents to keep an eye on their kids and know where they are and what they’re doing. If you notice that your child is being secretive, sneaky, and generally deceptive about their activities, then it’s a major red flag that your son or daughter isn’t doing the right thing. This goes for pretty much all families, Muslim and non-Muslim alike, but for us Muslims it means more than just that your kid is with bad company or doing bad things: it means that they’re losing their connection to Allah and to Islam, and this in itself is far worse than whatever sinful activities they’re engaged in.

Solutions

An ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. Educate your child from a young age; build a strong (but loving) Islamic environment within the home. Make them aware of their identity as Muslims, emphasize pride in that identity. However, we can’t say that prevention is the only thing that we can do – the reality is that even children who were raised in a strong Islamic environment can be “lost” in the Dunya… and this is the reality we have to deal with, not deny.

Having said that, here are some practical solutions on dealing with such situations.

1. Do not react angrily or violently. If you find out your kid is lying to you and is leading a double life, do NOT freak out at them, scream at them, hit them, etc. This will 1) scare them, 2) reinforce their belief that “Islam/ Muslims are evil/violent”, and 3) not be productive in any way, shape, or form.

2. Take some time to cool off after you find out. Pray a naafilah (voluntary salaah), and ask Allah to grant you the patience and strength to deal with the situation.

3. Talk to them. Ask them what has led them to do the things they’ve done, what their state of belief is (cases differ drastically: some teens still have emaan and are just confused; others go to the point where they deny Islam completely), and how they feel about their situation in general. Try not to judge them; the key is to listen to them and know where they’re coming from. This will give you information on how to best approach them when the time comes to try and “fix” things.

4. Serious counseling may be needed. If you feel as though you are unable to deal with the situation correctly yourself, contact a trustworthy, knowledgeable, and understanding Imam or Shaykh in your area (or use the Muslim Youth Helpline). It’s best to have someone involved who not only knows the Islamic perspective of things, but can also relate to and understand your child. There must be someone whom your child can feel comfortable enough to work with/talk to if they don’t feel they can open up to you (the parents).

In this stage, there has to be a lot of give-and-take, questions-and-answers. If you already had a long talk with your child previously and asked them all those questions, then now is the time to bring forth your feelings. If you haven’t had the talk, then now is the time to initiate it.

Counseling is a long and sometimes painful process, and only one step forward towards healing. One cannot expect things to change overnight, and it will be very difficult – all I can say is, trust in Allah and look to the Sunnah for help. Have emaan, taqwa, and lots of patience and forbearance. Constantly turn to Allah in du’a, especially the last third of the night. Indeed, this is something that should be done at all times… it is a means of prevention, as well as part of the path to the cure.

Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2008/01/04/cultural-chameleons/

The Lost Boys (and Girls): Bringing Back Young Muslim Teens

Anyone who’s been around Muslim teens between the ages of 10 – 17 will recognize a disconcerting and disappointing trend: youthful apathy. Selfishness, self-centeredness, and almost total obliviousness to the world around them. And despite the self-absorption, there is still a lack of proper sense of self and strong identity.

It can be understood, perhaps, in that these are formative years in which children and adolescents are struggling with a huge input of information from the world around them that they can’t quite figure out what to do with. These years are recognized as the most difficult years for parents and for the children too; but for Muslim parents struggling to raise their children upon Islam here in the West, the problems are compounded.

Many concerned parents complain about how their children prefer to remain with unIslamic influences and ignore the parents’ attempts to sway them towards coming to the Masjid and being involved with other Muslims. Time and time again I hear the same advice being reiterated, but unfortunately the problems persist. After a while, I wondered if another approach was needed – something a bit deeper and more long-term than one-off youth programs or conferences. Perhaps we need to re-analyze the causes of youthful misguidance, and come up with a more detailed method of reaching out to them.

Here I hope to present my own rudimentary theory of the reasons as to why so many of our younger teens, even those who come from relatively practicing Muslim households, become utterly disinterested in Islam and get sucked into the kaafir lifestyle. From there, insha’Allah we can work harder towards bringing back our lost boys and girls to the straight path.

It’s All About You

We’re always wondering what we can do to draw our youth back to the Masjid, back to Islam, to engage them and involve them and above all, keep them safe. In order to do this, we need to look at the other side first – what is it about the non-Muslim lifestyle that attracts the kids so much? A lot of the time, it’s the attention that they receive – in a culture that celebrates and promotes individualism to an unhealthy extreme, narcissistic youth are dazzled by how it’s all about them. Sure, other factors are involved, such as how the culture appeals to all those budding desires, but when you get down to it, it’s mostly about the attention.

That’s where we need to start. We need to give our youth attention too, and indulge their narcissism… to a certain point. And above all, in a constructive way.

Know Thyself

We complain about our kids having an identity crisis. To be frank, most of these kids don’t even know who they are… forget about who they are as Muslims, they don’t even know their own personalities. Much of the time they’re just swept up in the latest trends and follow the fickle crowd without thinking about whether they actually like the items they’re wasting their money on, or the activities that they throw themselves into just because it’s what the cool kids do.

We have to help our youth know themselves. Once they know themselves, once they’re confident in themselves and have an idea of their own potential, of what they want to do with that potential, then they will be more solidly grounded and have a better foundation upon which to build their futures.

To be a strong Muslim, one must be a strong person; the key to being a strong person is knowing who you are at your very core, being able to identify your own characteristics and values which will remain unchanged no matter what situation you’re put in.

A solid Islamic upbringing from infanthood (as described in this ongoing series) goes a long way in building this kind of strong character, and as always is the first thing that parents must be aware of. However, for those who perhaps were not as Islamically practicing during their children’s’ early childhood, and now wish to change their parenting styles and their children for the better, then there are other ways that they can encourage their children to develop and strengthen their individual characters.

It is now that we combine the teens’ desire for attention with the goal of helping them find themselves. Either at home or in a youth group/workshop environment, our youth need to be invited away from all the clamoring, glamorous outside influences and given the space and time to focus on themselves, on who they are. Have them look deep within themselves, that space where they keep their deepest thoughts and desires, their hopes and fears, their darkest secrets. That space where they as individuals exist on a level where nothing and no one else can reach them except themselves. What do they find in that space?

Remember that soul-searching and personal development isn’t something that can be over and done with in a few hours, a day, or even a couple weeks. It is in fact a life-long endeavor – but it is something which must be fostered from a young age, so that there is a solid sense of self that can be analyzed and improved constantly.

Castles in the Air

If you ask a five year old, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” you’re likely to get a long list that includes astronaut, cowboy (or cowgirl), firefighter, teacher, or even farmer. Ask the same question to a preteen or young teen, and you’re more likely to be answered with a blank expression, a careless shrug, and a muttered, “I dunno.”

This particular phenomenon in our youth is a distinct lack of vision. Stemming from the problem of not knowing themselves, our young Muslim teens tend to stumble through school and these important years of their lives in a confused daze. They rarely have a tangible idea of what they want to do with their lives; in this era of technology-centered activities, few of them recognize that they have other talents and skills which can be developed and used for the benefit of mankind.

We need to help our youth open their eyes and realize that there is more to themselves, and to life, than their shallow routine of chasing after the current fad. Teens have to realize that adolescence isn’t playtime; it’s the stepping-stone towards full-blown maturity and the rest of their lives. So what are they going to do with those lives?

Here is where we need to foster and encourage life visions. What life visions do these youth have? Do they think they’ll be able to achieve that ‘ultimate end’? If so, how? If not, how come? How can they achieve those dreams of theirs?

Let’s encourage our youth to open their hearts, minds, and eyes, and make their imaginations go wild. Let them build castles in the air!

Tools of the Trade

Life visions are pretty big dreams and it can be easy to be discouraged about them. So, break the “big dream” into a series of smaller, practical long- and short-term goals that can be steadily achieved and implemented. Accomplishing each ‘small’ goal becomes a stepping stone towards the final vision. As Muslims, our goal is Jannah; reaching that destination, however, requires a lot of work in a lot of different areas and in a lot of different ways.

Every goal of life is reached by utilizing skills and talents; discovering, developing, and strengthening them for maximum benefit. Now that our youth have an idea of what they want to do with their lives, they should also be able to recognize which skills they’ll need to reach those goals. It’s time for them to do a bit more soul-searching – or rather, talent-searching. What are their talents? What are they good at? What do they love to do? At this present time, how do they utilize those skills? How can they develop and improve these abilities? In the long term, how can they use these skill sets to reach their goals?

Another important point to remember is what the old proverb says: “Idle hands/minds are the devil’s workshop.” Too much free time causes our youth to seek out activities to stave off boredom, and these activities tend to be of the dodgy not-very-halaal kind. One way of killing two birds with one stone is to enlist these youth in serious activities at the masaajid; that is, coming up with ways to give the teens a chance to practice their skills in a work-like environment that benefits both the youth, and the masaajid themselves. However, make it something serious – actually pay the youth for their work, instead of doing it on a volunteer basis, as that gives the tasks the appearance of a chore rather than attracting the teens. Not only will the youth learn the basics of business and apprenticeship, but it gives them a far better environment to work in than the usual options of fast food and retail.

Strong and Free

In a nutshell, the above is part of what I perceive to be a rough guide/method to dealing with the problem of lost, apathetic, confused Muslim teens who are sucked into a culture of shallowness, vanity, and selfishness. We have a group of kids who have so much potential, who could be the next great leaders of this Ummah, if only we could unplug them from their iPods, unhook them from their video games, and drag them away from the latest sales at the mall.

Our youth can be – and will be, insha’Allah – strong and free, secure in their identities as Muslims and their own unique personalities. In their submission to Allah, they will be empowered to becoming the next generation of movers and shakers, those who will improve the state of this Ummah in every field.

We just need to guide them away from the distractions of this dunyah and engage their hearts, minds, and souls… all we have to do is give them the time and attention that they crave, and that they need so that they may become the kind of glorious personalities they have the potential to be. It will be, and is, a long, hard road for parents, the youth, and those of us who have dedicated our lives for the sake of Allah to strengthen this Ummah; but insha’Allah the payoff in both this world and the Hereafter will be worth every agonizing moment of it.

May Allah guide our lost boys and girls, and guide us all, to the Straight Path; to that which is best for us all in this world and in the Hereafter; and to that which is most pleasing and beloved to Him, ameen.

Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2009/05/25/the-lost-boys-and-girls-bringing-back-young-muslim-teens/

A Message to the Youth by Riad Ouarzazi lecture notes

1. Why were you created? What was the purpose of your creation? Do you live by the commands of Allah? Do you live by the ways and teachings of Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W)? Who do you worship? Allah created you to worship Him alone! (learn more about worship here http://learnislam2day.blogspot.com/search/label/Other%20Acts%20of%20Worship) Be one, for one, on one! Be yourself, be His slave, not anyone else’s or material things ex. money, on the path of Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W).

2. Who are your friends? Do they really care about you for who you really are? A friend is a (mirror) reflection of you! Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W) said, "A person will follow in the footsteps of their close friend so be careful who your friends are."

3. Are you proud of your religion and way of life, Islam? What have you done for Islam? Do something for the sake of Allah! Allah will ask all of us what we did with our knowledge. Did you act upon it? Did you teach it to others? Are you proud of your identity? Are you proud to be a Muslim?

4. Are you really pleased with your relationship with your Lord Allah? Are you ready to meet Allah if you were to die today? Do you think your scale of good deeds outweighs your bad deeds?

A Message to the Youth by Riad Ouarzazi

Blogger Blunder

While trying to fix the youth (teens) label, I accidentally deleted 19 posts in this category!!!

Fortunately, I was able to copy and paste all the posts into Word and saved it, so now I will have to repost those back in order as I had previously done them.

Even though I always post Check these out too! after I am done with a topic, for this youth topic, the archive will look like this:

My Personal Thoughts on Issues (Muslim) Teens Face
A Muslim Girl's Guide for Dealing with Guys
Islam and Dating by Abdul Malik
7 Prom Tips for Teens by Sound Vision staff writer
Anatomy of the Prom: What is it about? by Sound Vision staff writer
The Forbidden Love by Kamal el-Mekki
How to Deal With the G-B Relationship? by Amatullah Islam
(Preventing) the Girlfriend - Boyfriend Relationship by Amatullah Islam
Advice for the Muslim Youth by Ibrahim Zidan
Dilemma Facing the Youth by Shaykh Muhammad Saalih al-Uthaymeen hafidhahullaah cont. 3
Dilemma Facing the Youth by Shaykh Muhammad Saalih al-Uthaymeen hafidhahullaah cont. 2
Dilemma Facing the Youth by Shaykh Muhammad Saalih al-Uthaymeen hafidhahullaah cont. 1
Dilemma Facing the Youth by Shaykh Muhammad Saalih al-Uthaymeen hafidhahullaah
The iPod Complex- A Memoir by Jawaad Ahmed Khan
Music Junkie by Maryam
Cultural Chameleons by Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse)
The Lost Boys (and Girls): Bringing Back Young Muslim Teens
A Message to the Youth by Riad Ouarzazi lecture notes
A Message to the Youth by Riad Ouarzazi
Blogger Blunder
Check these out too!
Welcome to University! (Young Muslims brochure)
How You(th) Can Be a STAR! by Jawaad Ahmad Khan
Things I Enjoy Doing For Fun and My Favs.
Halal Entertainment with host Riaz Ansary and gues...
New World Muslims by Zainab (AnonyMouse)
Muslim Culture vs. Pop Culture: Halaal Alternative...

I guess I better start reposting...