I forgot to mention this, but I myself have A LOT to say about marriages, unfortunately not all good... But, inshAllah I plan to write up my own piece in the near future about my thoughts on marriage and married life.
~A S.S
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Check these out too!
1. http://www.muslimahsource.org/relationships/the-stupid-glass-slipper/
2. http://muslimmatters.org/2008/06/16/smart-muslim-chicks-who-inexplicably-scare-off-guys/
3. http://muslimmatters.org/2008/11/20/the-world-from-the-pov-of-a-single-brother/
4. http://www.kalamullah.com/etiquettes-marriage.html
5. http://www.kalamullah.com/best-of-all-husbands.html
6. http://muslimmatters.org/category/social/marriage/
7. http://www.soundvision.com/info/marriage/
8. http://www.habibihalaqas.org/search/label/Marriage
2. http://muslimmatters.org/2008/06/16/smart-muslim-chicks-who-inexplicably-scare-off-guys/
3. http://muslimmatters.org/2008/11/20/the-world-from-the-pov-of-a-single-brother/
4. http://www.kalamullah.com/etiquettes-marriage.html
5. http://www.kalamullah.com/best-of-all-husbands.html
6. http://muslimmatters.org/category/social/marriage/
7. http://www.soundvision.com/info/marriage/
8. http://www.habibihalaqas.org/search/label/Marriage
Thoughts and Advice on Interracial Marriages by Ibn Abee Omar
This is a post I have been thinking about writing for quite some time because I have a lot of thoughts on this issue (the reasons why may be obvious from the rest of this post) and I wanted to get them down and get some feedback from other Muslims. Here is how I want to focus this topic:
1. Before Marriage – Stereotypes/Obstacles
2. During Marriage – Culture Clash, Confused Kids, and Bewildered in-Laws
3. Societal Ramifications (focus on living in the US)
4. Parting Comments
Before Marriage – Stereotypes and Obstacles
No matter your background, an interracial marriage will be met with obstacles on both sides. It is especially the case for the generation of people whose parents were immigrants, and they themselves were raised here. To even broach the idea of an interracial marriage will spring forth 100 year old stereotypes of other cultures you never even knew existed. It is particularly sad when these are directed at other Muslim groups. For example, a Pakistani trying to marry an Arab will no doubt hear many “Arabs are this…” or “Arabs are that…” type of comments.
Even those who marry within the race will often face problems in marrying outside the tribe, or people from a specific part of the same country, so much so that some people even consider these marriages to be against the norm.
Muslims who are the first generation to be born and raised in the West face a unique dilemma. They must harmonize between finding someone who is suitable religiously, and culturally. The cultural aspect can get confusing because while a person may be Indian, they have more in common with a Bengali person who grew up here also as opposed to an Indian person from ‘back home.’
It is that point though, that parents have a tough time coming to grips with. It seems some have missed the fact that their kids have a distinct culture that’s different then what they think they taught them. This is why it is frustrating to see many marriages being held up because someone’s parents are looking from a family who is from the same village back home.
It is good to see the trend of our youth overlooking the racial/ethnic lines in marriage, and trying to marry for the deen, however, the obstacles are often great. Many families are not accepting of such marriages, and many face great difficulties in pursuing them. The hardest part is breaking stereotypes that people have formed, or been brought up with. These are literally ideologies they may have held for the vast majority of their lives. The culture and environment their kids have been brought up in though, does not hold fast to these same ideals.
During Marriage
This is where the toughest adjustment comes, and the cultural differences must be overcome. For purposes of this article, we will go ahead and assume that alhamdulillah as far as the deen is concerned, both parties are mashallah practicing and on the same page in regards to their religion. It is what comes outside of that which can cause problems.
The first problem is, if I may term it so, latent cultural tendencies. By this I mean that once a person is married, they are now in a stage of life that they have not experienced before (assuming it’s the first marriage). Since this is the case, the only ‘experience’ they have to revert back to is that of their own parents. A person might not realize these things before marriage, but after a kid, the husband may start acting a certain way, and due to the way he was brought up, he will have certain expectations as to what his wife should do as a mother. The wife, having been brought up differently, may have the opposite expectation. This is a situation where the culture has caused a clash despite the fact that neither one may actually be a cultural Pakistani, or a cultural Arab in the traditional sense.
In-laws are another issue that comes up. Different cultures have vastly different expectations of their sons-in-law or daughters-in-law, and an interracial marriage will bring about an abrupt adjustment period for them. Language barriers can also be an issue here. It is unfortunate that this aspect of an interracial marriage is often the most overlooked despite the heavy emphasis in Islam on preserving the family ties. Deen may very well be an extremely strong bond in preserving your marriage, but does that same bond exist with your spouse’s parents, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and other family members?
Kids add another dimension, and quite possibly the toughest. The husband/wife must be prepared to deal with difficulties their children may endure from being of mixed-race. There’s also issues of what languages to teach them, and how to communicate in the house. It is important for these issues to be agreed upon before getting married. Everyone has seen families where the mother and children communicate in one tongue, and the father is often left out in the cold and ends up disconnected from the family.
Societal Ramifications
Obviously interracial marriages are not for everyone, not everyone desires one (most probably don’t), and not everyone is cut out for one. With that said, it is encouraging to see a rising trend in these marriages. We are after all, one ummah. Our cultures do enrich our ummah, but they cannot come before our religion. To see more couples and mixed-race children is a very apparent way of breaking down some barriers and stereotypes that exist within our societies. It exposes Muslims of one culture more intimately to those from another, and in the end I feel it increases the bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood.
It is also important in our times, to not let ourselves become segregated too much; otherwise we will end up with masjids separated out like the “black churches” or “white churches.” I know that exists to some degree now, but alhamdulillah I think most of the bigger masaajid in bigger communities are very diverse (even if the board members might all be from one country, but that’s a different story).
Tariq Nelson made a pertinent point on his blog; “I am of the controversial opinion that increased interracial/intercultural marriage is one of the ways that will lead to a meshing of a singular American Muslim identity. This would eventually lead to more of a blending in this country, culturally and genetically, of the many Muslim cultures as well as the American one. Intermarriage is one of the ways people that were once even somewhat hostile can become one group.”
The most important role interracial marriages may play in this is the affect that they will have on their family and friends. At the very least it will force them to look past their cultural identity and see a first-hand example of a family that is insha’Allah putting their religion above all else – about making themselves Muslim before being anything else.
Parting Comments
First and foremost we should ask Allah (S.W.T) to purify our intentions and grant us the tawfeeq to make all of our actions for Him and for Him alone. Marriage in general is not a goal in and of itself, but it is a means of worshipping Allah by trying to establish a family upon the Sunnah.
If someone chooses to pursue an interracial marriage, they really need to “check yourself before you wreck yourself” and make sure they are ready to deal with the consequences of their decisions. I have outlined just a small sampling of the obstacles that one might face. People really need to do some self-introspection and see where they stand, see what their maturity level is, and know what they can handle before getting involved in anything.
Once a person does become involved in an interracial marriage, the most important thing is to have patience. A lot of things will come your way, but you must persevere through them as a Muslim should. Remember also that all your actions, and your family in the public eye, will be under much more scrutiny than most. One of the saddest things is the attitude people have towards interracial couples of “let’s see how long that will last.” People will be expecting your marriage to fail. It’s not right, but it’s a reality.
Know that it will take time for the families of both parties to integrate and become comfortable with one another. The key is for both people to be willing to put up with that and work towards their ultimate goal of insha’Allah having a good Muslim family. Even outside of family, you will deal with smaller things like trying to fit into social groups that exist in masaajid and communities, or being looked at as the ‘token interracial couple’ of an event, etc.
But insha’Allah if it is successful, there is a huge potential for making dawah and helping to make impact in society. Also, don’t forget the fringe benefit of having super-cute children masha’Allah
These are just some brief thoughts I had on this matter, really I think a whole book can be written on this subject, but I did want to see people’s attitudes towards it. Would you consider it for yourself? What about for your children? What about for your siblings? How do you feel when you see an interracial couple?
Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2007/04/06/thoughts-and-advice-on-interracial-marriages/
1. Before Marriage – Stereotypes/Obstacles
2. During Marriage – Culture Clash, Confused Kids, and Bewildered in-Laws
3. Societal Ramifications (focus on living in the US)
4. Parting Comments
Before Marriage – Stereotypes and Obstacles
No matter your background, an interracial marriage will be met with obstacles on both sides. It is especially the case for the generation of people whose parents were immigrants, and they themselves were raised here. To even broach the idea of an interracial marriage will spring forth 100 year old stereotypes of other cultures you never even knew existed. It is particularly sad when these are directed at other Muslim groups. For example, a Pakistani trying to marry an Arab will no doubt hear many “Arabs are this…” or “Arabs are that…” type of comments.
Even those who marry within the race will often face problems in marrying outside the tribe, or people from a specific part of the same country, so much so that some people even consider these marriages to be against the norm.
Muslims who are the first generation to be born and raised in the West face a unique dilemma. They must harmonize between finding someone who is suitable religiously, and culturally. The cultural aspect can get confusing because while a person may be Indian, they have more in common with a Bengali person who grew up here also as opposed to an Indian person from ‘back home.’
It is that point though, that parents have a tough time coming to grips with. It seems some have missed the fact that their kids have a distinct culture that’s different then what they think they taught them. This is why it is frustrating to see many marriages being held up because someone’s parents are looking from a family who is from the same village back home.
It is good to see the trend of our youth overlooking the racial/ethnic lines in marriage, and trying to marry for the deen, however, the obstacles are often great. Many families are not accepting of such marriages, and many face great difficulties in pursuing them. The hardest part is breaking stereotypes that people have formed, or been brought up with. These are literally ideologies they may have held for the vast majority of their lives. The culture and environment their kids have been brought up in though, does not hold fast to these same ideals.
During Marriage
This is where the toughest adjustment comes, and the cultural differences must be overcome. For purposes of this article, we will go ahead and assume that alhamdulillah as far as the deen is concerned, both parties are mashallah practicing and on the same page in regards to their religion. It is what comes outside of that which can cause problems.
The first problem is, if I may term it so, latent cultural tendencies. By this I mean that once a person is married, they are now in a stage of life that they have not experienced before (assuming it’s the first marriage). Since this is the case, the only ‘experience’ they have to revert back to is that of their own parents. A person might not realize these things before marriage, but after a kid, the husband may start acting a certain way, and due to the way he was brought up, he will have certain expectations as to what his wife should do as a mother. The wife, having been brought up differently, may have the opposite expectation. This is a situation where the culture has caused a clash despite the fact that neither one may actually be a cultural Pakistani, or a cultural Arab in the traditional sense.
In-laws are another issue that comes up. Different cultures have vastly different expectations of their sons-in-law or daughters-in-law, and an interracial marriage will bring about an abrupt adjustment period for them. Language barriers can also be an issue here. It is unfortunate that this aspect of an interracial marriage is often the most overlooked despite the heavy emphasis in Islam on preserving the family ties. Deen may very well be an extremely strong bond in preserving your marriage, but does that same bond exist with your spouse’s parents, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and other family members?
Kids add another dimension, and quite possibly the toughest. The husband/wife must be prepared to deal with difficulties their children may endure from being of mixed-race. There’s also issues of what languages to teach them, and how to communicate in the house. It is important for these issues to be agreed upon before getting married. Everyone has seen families where the mother and children communicate in one tongue, and the father is often left out in the cold and ends up disconnected from the family.
Societal Ramifications
Obviously interracial marriages are not for everyone, not everyone desires one (most probably don’t), and not everyone is cut out for one. With that said, it is encouraging to see a rising trend in these marriages. We are after all, one ummah. Our cultures do enrich our ummah, but they cannot come before our religion. To see more couples and mixed-race children is a very apparent way of breaking down some barriers and stereotypes that exist within our societies. It exposes Muslims of one culture more intimately to those from another, and in the end I feel it increases the bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood.
It is also important in our times, to not let ourselves become segregated too much; otherwise we will end up with masjids separated out like the “black churches” or “white churches.” I know that exists to some degree now, but alhamdulillah I think most of the bigger masaajid in bigger communities are very diverse (even if the board members might all be from one country, but that’s a different story).
Tariq Nelson made a pertinent point on his blog; “I am of the controversial opinion that increased interracial/intercultural marriage is one of the ways that will lead to a meshing of a singular American Muslim identity. This would eventually lead to more of a blending in this country, culturally and genetically, of the many Muslim cultures as well as the American one. Intermarriage is one of the ways people that were once even somewhat hostile can become one group.”
The most important role interracial marriages may play in this is the affect that they will have on their family and friends. At the very least it will force them to look past their cultural identity and see a first-hand example of a family that is insha’Allah putting their religion above all else – about making themselves Muslim before being anything else.
Parting Comments
First and foremost we should ask Allah (S.W.T) to purify our intentions and grant us the tawfeeq to make all of our actions for Him and for Him alone. Marriage in general is not a goal in and of itself, but it is a means of worshipping Allah by trying to establish a family upon the Sunnah.
If someone chooses to pursue an interracial marriage, they really need to “check yourself before you wreck yourself” and make sure they are ready to deal with the consequences of their decisions. I have outlined just a small sampling of the obstacles that one might face. People really need to do some self-introspection and see where they stand, see what their maturity level is, and know what they can handle before getting involved in anything.
Once a person does become involved in an interracial marriage, the most important thing is to have patience. A lot of things will come your way, but you must persevere through them as a Muslim should. Remember also that all your actions, and your family in the public eye, will be under much more scrutiny than most. One of the saddest things is the attitude people have towards interracial couples of “let’s see how long that will last.” People will be expecting your marriage to fail. It’s not right, but it’s a reality.
Know that it will take time for the families of both parties to integrate and become comfortable with one another. The key is for both people to be willing to put up with that and work towards their ultimate goal of insha’Allah having a good Muslim family. Even outside of family, you will deal with smaller things like trying to fit into social groups that exist in masaajid and communities, or being looked at as the ‘token interracial couple’ of an event, etc.
But insha’Allah if it is successful, there is a huge potential for making dawah and helping to make impact in society. Also, don’t forget the fringe benefit of having super-cute children masha’Allah
These are just some brief thoughts I had on this matter, really I think a whole book can be written on this subject, but I did want to see people’s attitudes towards it. Would you consider it for yourself? What about for your children? What about for your siblings? How do you feel when you see an interracial couple?
Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2007/04/06/thoughts-and-advice-on-interracial-marriages/
The Marriage Project: A Project Nation by Yaser Birjas
My career as an instructor of “Fiqh of Love” and “Love Notes” with AlMaghrib Institute, the activity and survey sessions conducted in the class environment included many personal questions submitted by students (both men and women), regarding marriage and marital life. Through this, and the overwhelming marriage counseling sessions and advices given in the course of the past four to five years, I was able to collect enough data and statistics to open a window on the status of social life in the Muslim community in America and provide an insight into the crisis of marriage we face here. The findings com from multiple locations all around the country including places such as Houston, New Jersey, New York, Chicago, The Bay Area and elsewhere – and the results were startling. The marriage crisis is a big crisis indeed, and while many of our respected older generation are unaware of it, or at least act like that, the youth were left helpless and sometimes hopeless.
In my lecture at Ilmfest in NY “The Crisis of Marriage” back in March 2008, I attempted to speak for the youth, voice their concern and highlight some of these findings, which I’m working on publishing as a separate research insha’Allah. Many of these problems fall into systematic categories that can be summarized into three:
1. Conventional -mixed- views of marriage
This includes, but not exclusively, issues such as ideals of love and marriage, the premarital life and experience and the determination of readiness in terms of education, career and finances.
2. Gender issues (and yes we do have a gender issue in the Muslim community)
This in this age is a natural contribution of the western culture to the American Muslim community. It includes issues of feminism, gender expectations, sexuality and marriage patterns especially egalitarian marriage and its challenge to the traditional Islamic version of patriarchy.
3. The cultural expectations
We cannot deny the existence of at least two generations from two different cultures widely misconstrued as one culture, first generation of Muslim immigrants and the second generation of Muslims who were born or grew up in America.
The Muslim community in America is also one of the, if not the most, diverse community in America in terms of ethnicity, race, culture, education, economy, background and religious affiliation (on juristic, political and sometimes sectarian ground). With all this diversity and without getting into the details of this matter, different cultural expectations arise.
Parents (for too many different reasons) are unfortunately rated as the number one reason why too many men and women are delaying their marriages. Surveying the youth, they admit that once they hit the road of career -per their parent’s demands- and pass the emotional cycle of love and enamor, the desire for marriage becomes for no more than a social requirement that influences their choice. Hence the decision for marriage is usually pragmatic. These marriages are what I call ‘Technical Marriages’ and many people today are technically married but not wholeheartedly married. Some decide to delay their marriages further fearing they might fall into this abyss of technical marriage not realizing that by doing so are increasing their chances of falling into it.
One other crisis facing the Muslim community largely overlooked by many observers is the issue of sustaining the few marriages available among the youth in America and the West. There is an illusive feeling of satisfaction among the crowd that once the marriage is done, the job is also done. Well, not so fast.
One of the very famous statements repeated in my love and marriage lectures is when you decide to get married: “Never Make Failure an Option” i.e. do not just try it; commit to it and put all your heart and effort into making it successful. Your spouse does not come with a 30 day return policy or ‘satisfaction guaranteed’, so stop whining and do not waste your time looking for the 1-800 number on your marriage contract…you won’t find it.
The divorce rate among Muslim families is higher than it should be, and higher than it used to be. Muslims who once were proud of their marriage institution as one of the most successful in the world can no longer take pride in that. We are facing a serious problem here; “Divorce.” It seems that most of the solutions presented to the market are focusing on one single issue, initiating the marriage. Now that I’m married, as someone might say, what shall I do next? That’s a question that many matrimonial services do not answer and hence increase the chances of divorce.
Many young men and women are left to experience marital life on their own once they initiate the marriage, thinking that if my parents managed their life, I can do so as well. The complexity of our time and life does not permit this simplicity anymore. There has to be a premarital education plan for those who are seriously thinking about marriage, and truly it should also include those who are not serious at all as well. Let them learn to be serious for once. Special programs, and that is another challenge by itself, should also be designed to educate parents – the in-laws to be.
This educational program should include, besides the conventional lectures on marital relations, topics pertinent to spiritual life after marriage, parenting in the west, economics and finances of marriage, psychology of marriage, the sociality of marital life and any area that experts believe essential to build a healthy marital life. Remember that sooner or later you will at least have to deal with the delicate issue of the in-laws. In short, even marriage requires ‘coaching’. Our youth need ‘Marriage Coach’ services for at least the first year of marriage.
Once the marriage is been established and life starts going smooth for the first year, change will begin. Some changes happen rapidly and faster than the couple can comprehend in a timely manner, for instance a newborn child. Once this rapid change settles down – the child starts going to PK school – it becomes a new norm and the change turns slow and creating a routine. This, as it sounds, brings boredom to the marital life. Both scenarios put too much pressure on the family and cause lots of problems. The solution? Regular or conscious marriage counseling. Muslims inherited the cultural bias against marriage counseling as a mean of intrusion. For some, a marriage that requires counseling is not worth saving. This view has to change and a professional ‘Muslim Counseling’ needs to be developed on national level.
My proposal for a solution, therefore, lies in developing three services:
1. Practical and realistic eHarmony Islamic style ‘Matrimonial Services’ with clear comprehensive criteria.
2. ‘Marriage Coaching’ educational service that springs from Islamic teachings and Muslim culture.
3. Long term ‘Marriage Counseling’ to handle sever scenarios of difficult marriages.
As ambitious and idealistic this project might appear, I do not see it impossible to achieve, but it requires the participation of diverse sectors of the Muslim community in America and the West. This is not a one local Imam job or a single Islamic center or organization work. It’s a polycentric Islamic social movement on a national level that should involve think tanks and experts of multi groups of Imams, psychologists, sociologists, economists, educators, community leaders, parents and many more, and most importantly ‘the youth’. It is ‘A Project Nation’ – a Marriage Project.
Discussing the details of this project is beyond the scope of this article, but I hope by bringing this issue up for discussion we can further contribute to the solution.
Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2008/05/01/the-marriage-project-a-project-nation/
In my lecture at Ilmfest in NY “The Crisis of Marriage” back in March 2008, I attempted to speak for the youth, voice their concern and highlight some of these findings, which I’m working on publishing as a separate research insha’Allah. Many of these problems fall into systematic categories that can be summarized into three:
1. Conventional -mixed- views of marriage
This includes, but not exclusively, issues such as ideals of love and marriage, the premarital life and experience and the determination of readiness in terms of education, career and finances.
2. Gender issues (and yes we do have a gender issue in the Muslim community)
This in this age is a natural contribution of the western culture to the American Muslim community. It includes issues of feminism, gender expectations, sexuality and marriage patterns especially egalitarian marriage and its challenge to the traditional Islamic version of patriarchy.
3. The cultural expectations
We cannot deny the existence of at least two generations from two different cultures widely misconstrued as one culture, first generation of Muslim immigrants and the second generation of Muslims who were born or grew up in America.
The Muslim community in America is also one of the, if not the most, diverse community in America in terms of ethnicity, race, culture, education, economy, background and religious affiliation (on juristic, political and sometimes sectarian ground). With all this diversity and without getting into the details of this matter, different cultural expectations arise.
Parents (for too many different reasons) are unfortunately rated as the number one reason why too many men and women are delaying their marriages. Surveying the youth, they admit that once they hit the road of career -per their parent’s demands- and pass the emotional cycle of love and enamor, the desire for marriage becomes for no more than a social requirement that influences their choice. Hence the decision for marriage is usually pragmatic. These marriages are what I call ‘Technical Marriages’ and many people today are technically married but not wholeheartedly married. Some decide to delay their marriages further fearing they might fall into this abyss of technical marriage not realizing that by doing so are increasing their chances of falling into it.
One other crisis facing the Muslim community largely overlooked by many observers is the issue of sustaining the few marriages available among the youth in America and the West. There is an illusive feeling of satisfaction among the crowd that once the marriage is done, the job is also done. Well, not so fast.
One of the very famous statements repeated in my love and marriage lectures is when you decide to get married: “Never Make Failure an Option” i.e. do not just try it; commit to it and put all your heart and effort into making it successful. Your spouse does not come with a 30 day return policy or ‘satisfaction guaranteed’, so stop whining and do not waste your time looking for the 1-800 number on your marriage contract…you won’t find it.
The divorce rate among Muslim families is higher than it should be, and higher than it used to be. Muslims who once were proud of their marriage institution as one of the most successful in the world can no longer take pride in that. We are facing a serious problem here; “Divorce.” It seems that most of the solutions presented to the market are focusing on one single issue, initiating the marriage. Now that I’m married, as someone might say, what shall I do next? That’s a question that many matrimonial services do not answer and hence increase the chances of divorce.
Many young men and women are left to experience marital life on their own once they initiate the marriage, thinking that if my parents managed their life, I can do so as well. The complexity of our time and life does not permit this simplicity anymore. There has to be a premarital education plan for those who are seriously thinking about marriage, and truly it should also include those who are not serious at all as well. Let them learn to be serious for once. Special programs, and that is another challenge by itself, should also be designed to educate parents – the in-laws to be.
This educational program should include, besides the conventional lectures on marital relations, topics pertinent to spiritual life after marriage, parenting in the west, economics and finances of marriage, psychology of marriage, the sociality of marital life and any area that experts believe essential to build a healthy marital life. Remember that sooner or later you will at least have to deal with the delicate issue of the in-laws. In short, even marriage requires ‘coaching’. Our youth need ‘Marriage Coach’ services for at least the first year of marriage.
Once the marriage is been established and life starts going smooth for the first year, change will begin. Some changes happen rapidly and faster than the couple can comprehend in a timely manner, for instance a newborn child. Once this rapid change settles down – the child starts going to PK school – it becomes a new norm and the change turns slow and creating a routine. This, as it sounds, brings boredom to the marital life. Both scenarios put too much pressure on the family and cause lots of problems. The solution? Regular or conscious marriage counseling. Muslims inherited the cultural bias against marriage counseling as a mean of intrusion. For some, a marriage that requires counseling is not worth saving. This view has to change and a professional ‘Muslim Counseling’ needs to be developed on national level.
My proposal for a solution, therefore, lies in developing three services:
1. Practical and realistic eHarmony Islamic style ‘Matrimonial Services’ with clear comprehensive criteria.
2. ‘Marriage Coaching’ educational service that springs from Islamic teachings and Muslim culture.
3. Long term ‘Marriage Counseling’ to handle sever scenarios of difficult marriages.
As ambitious and idealistic this project might appear, I do not see it impossible to achieve, but it requires the participation of diverse sectors of the Muslim community in America and the West. This is not a one local Imam job or a single Islamic center or organization work. It’s a polycentric Islamic social movement on a national level that should involve think tanks and experts of multi groups of Imams, psychologists, sociologists, economists, educators, community leaders, parents and many more, and most importantly ‘the youth’. It is ‘A Project Nation’ – a Marriage Project.
Discussing the details of this project is beyond the scope of this article, but I hope by bringing this issue up for discussion we can further contribute to the solution.
Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2008/05/01/the-marriage-project-a-project-nation/
Thursday, July 28, 2011
10 Ways to Increase Happiness in Marriage! (actually 11)
The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.
1. Enter the marriage with the right intention and renew this often
Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in order to receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew one's intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.
2. Remember that your spouse is also your brother or sister in Islam
Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one's spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood and sisterhood of Islam should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood and sisterhood and adherence to these principles.
3. Do not hold unrealistic expectations
Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.
4. Emphasize the best in your spouse
Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing." (Muslim)
5. Be your mate's best friend
Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.
6. Spend quality time together
It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.
7. Express feelings often
This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The "silent treatment" has never been the remedy for anything.
8. Admit to mistakes and ask for forgiveness
Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.
9. Never bring up mistakes of the past
It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.
10. Surprise each other at times
This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.
11. Have a sense of humor
This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.
Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:
• Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.
• Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.
• Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.
• Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.
• Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.
• If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.
Source: http://english.islamway.com/bindex.php?section=article&id=218
1. Enter the marriage with the right intention and renew this often
Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in order to receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew one's intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.
2. Remember that your spouse is also your brother or sister in Islam
Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one's spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood and sisterhood of Islam should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood and sisterhood and adherence to these principles.
3. Do not hold unrealistic expectations
Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.
4. Emphasize the best in your spouse
Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing." (Muslim)
5. Be your mate's best friend
Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.
6. Spend quality time together
It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.
7. Express feelings often
This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The "silent treatment" has never been the remedy for anything.
8. Admit to mistakes and ask for forgiveness
Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.
9. Never bring up mistakes of the past
It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.
10. Surprise each other at times
This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.
11. Have a sense of humor
This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.
Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:
• Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.
• Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.
• Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.
• Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.
• Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.
• If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.
Source: http://english.islamway.com/bindex.php?section=article&id=218
Mars and Venus: Marriage, Love, and Mercy by Riad Ouarzazi lecture notes
20 Points to Love
1. Exchange gifts (it does not have to be materialistic), it develops love between you two.
2. Spend time together (to talk), just you and your wife.
3. “The look of love.” Just by looking at your wife you should know what she likes and vice versa. Also touch and hug.
4. Say warm greetings like salaam when you come home.
5. Praise your spouse and never compare them with someone else.
6. Participate together in the household chorus and help each other. The husband’s work is not only outside!
7. Say kind words and smile, they are Sadaqah.
8. Spend time OUT together.
9. Have peaceful gatherings to discuss issues and joke.
10. The husband has to be balanced with the yes and no answers.
11. Show your interest, support, and care (especially when they are sick).
12. Change your routine by surprising your spouse.
13. Pamper your spouse.
14. Don’t hide your feelings and speak straightforward with your spouse. You should be able to talk to each other (never in front of the children).
15. Call your spouse by beautiful names.
16. Don’t talk about your problems before bed.
17. Show thanks by saying Jazakallahu Khair.
18. Apologize when you make a mistake (and ask for forgiveness).
19. Have respect for each other.
20. Read and contemplate the Seerah and how the Prophet lived and treated his wives.
1. Exchange gifts (it does not have to be materialistic), it develops love between you two.
2. Spend time together (to talk), just you and your wife.
3. “The look of love.” Just by looking at your wife you should know what she likes and vice versa. Also touch and hug.
4. Say warm greetings like salaam when you come home.
5. Praise your spouse and never compare them with someone else.
6. Participate together in the household chorus and help each other. The husband’s work is not only outside!
7. Say kind words and smile, they are Sadaqah.
8. Spend time OUT together.
9. Have peaceful gatherings to discuss issues and joke.
10. The husband has to be balanced with the yes and no answers.
11. Show your interest, support, and care (especially when they are sick).
12. Change your routine by surprising your spouse.
13. Pamper your spouse.
14. Don’t hide your feelings and speak straightforward with your spouse. You should be able to talk to each other (never in front of the children).
15. Call your spouse by beautiful names.
16. Don’t talk about your problems before bed.
17. Show thanks by saying Jazakallahu Khair.
18. Apologize when you make a mistake (and ask for forgiveness).
19. Have respect for each other.
20. Read and contemplate the Seerah and how the Prophet lived and treated his wives.
Monday, July 25, 2011
60+ Ways to Keep Your Spouse’s Love
(updated 4/2/07)
Ok, time for a not-so-intellectual, yet extremely important topic. Probably more applicable in our daily lives than most other issues we blog about. So, I modified the title to the post on my previous blog to make it gender-neutral. For a good reason, as you’ll see.
In today’s life of hustle and bustle, the family unit is becoming fragile by the day. Divorces are on the rise (see this entry on Tariq’s blog), and Muslims can no longer claim, as justifiably as before, that divorce is rare among Muslims or even much less than incidents of divorce among non-Muslims. Below, I’ll list the nearly 90 ways that a speaker discussed (you can see video here) and readers added that talk about ways to keep your “Wife’s Love.” Since we have already addressed the husband’s tricks to keep his wife’s love alive for him, a couple of commentators suggested that I do the same for the reverse.
So, the challenge is on, can we come up with even 60 ways for the wife to keep her husband’s love? Challenge has been MET! With the help of the Blogosphere’s smartest readers, we have collectively gathered 60 ways to keep the husband’s love, and many more for keeping the wife’s. The question now is how many will we actually implement? And how do we implement? Would flash cards work? Would one thing a day work? Maybe write up one way on the refrigerator sticky? Do we need to start another list, maybe I-Muslim’s 60 ways to keep the mother-in-law happy? I think we may need more than that…
Readers: Ways to Keep Your Husband’s Love- Inshallah
1. Behave like a female, i.e. all the tenderness of a female… a man doesn’t want a man for his wife (well, let’s say normal a man!).
2. Dress pleasantly/attractively. If you are a home-maker, don’t stay in your sleeping suit all day.
3. Smell good (does that need further explanations).
4. Don’t lay out all your problems on your husband as soon as he walks in. Give him a little mental break.
5. Don’t keep asking him, “What are you thinking?”…because unlike women, men’s thoughts are as random as the results of a Google search. Women on the other hand have thoughts as organized as a labeled file-cabinet!
6. Stop nagging non-stop before Allah ta’ala gives you something really to complaint about.
7. Absolutely no talking about your spousal problems to anyone you meet under the pretense of seeking help, even if you are the victim. Sister Hannah Gamal gives this advice, if you think you want to solve legitimate marital issues then go seek counseling with the right person who can give advice in either
A. Mediate any injustice done so any wrong can be corrected and a couple can reunite in harmony, or
B. Amicable divorce
8. Be kind to your mother-in-law the same way you would like your husband to be kind to your own mother.
9. Learn all the rights and obligations of each other in Islam.
10. Race to the door when he comes home, as if you were waiting for him. Smile and hug.
11. Keep your house clean, at least to the level that he wants it.
12. Compliment him on the things you know he’s not so confident about (looks, intelligence) etc. This will build his self-esteem.
13. Tell him he’s the best husband ever.
14. Call his family often.
15. Give him a simple task to do at home and then thank him when he does it. This will encourage him to do more.
16. When he’s talking about something boring, listen and nod your head. Even ask questions to make it seem like you’re interested.
17. Encourage him to do good deeds.
18. If he’s in a bad mood, give him some space. He’ll get over it, inshaAllah.
19. Thank him sincerely for providing you with food and shelter. It’s a big deal.
20. If he’s angry with you and starts yelling, let him yell it out while you’re quiet. You will see your fight will end a lot faster. Then when he’s calm, you can tell him your side of the story and how you want him to change something.
21. When you’re mad at him, don’t say “You make me furious,” rather, “This action makes me upset.” Direct your anger to the action and circumstance rather than at him.
22. Remember that your husband has feelings, so take them into consideration.
23. Let him chill with his friends without guilt, especially if they’re good guys. Encourage him to go out, so he doesn’t feel “cooped up” at home.
24. If your husband is annoyed over a little thing you do (and you can control it), then stop doing it. Really.
25. Learn how to tell him what you expect without him having to guess all the time. Learn to communicate your feelings.
26. Don’t get mad over small things. It’s not worth it.
27. Make jokes. If you’re not naturally funny, go on the internet and read some jokes, and then tell them to him.
28. Tell him you’re the best wife ever and compliment yourself on certain things you know you’re good at.
29. Learn to make his favorite dish.
30. Don’t ever, EVER talk bad about him with friends or family unnecessarily. If they end up agreeing with you, you will see that it hits you back in the face because you get more depressed that you have a bad husband and other people also think you have a bad husband.
31. Use your time wisely and get things accomplished. If you’re a housewife, take online classes and get active in your community. This will make you happy and a secondary bonus is that it impresses your husband.
32. Do all of the above fee sabeelillah and you will see Allah put barakah in everything you do.
33. Husband and wife should discuss and communicate with wisdom with each other to convey what they like and dislike of each other to do or not to do. NOT give command or instruction like servant. “They are garments to each other.”
34. Tell your husband you love him many, many times. A’ishah narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to ask her how strong her love for him, she said like “a knot” and the next time round he would ask her, “How is that knot?” He also used to reply to her saying, “Jazzakillah, O Aishah, wallahi, you have not rejoiced in me as I have rejoiced in you.” (Anyone knows the source?)
35. Have a race with your husband and let him win, even if you are much fitter and stronger than him.
36. Keep fit and take care of your health so you will remain a strong mother, wife, cook and housekeeper, insha’Allah you will not get fat and frumpy.
37. Refine and cultivate good mannerisms i.e. do not whine, don’t laugh or talk too loud or walk like an elephant.
38. Do not leave the house without his permission and certainly not without his knowledge.
39. Make sure all his clothes are clean and pressed so he is always looking fresh and crisps.
40. Ask Allah to strengthen and preserve the bonds of compassion and love between the two of you, every day, and every prayer. Ask Him to protect that bond from Shaytaan. When a lesser devil destroys the love between spouses, he is the most beloved of Shaytaan. Nothing works like du’ah, and love only exists between spouses where Allah instills it.
41. They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
42. Always let him know that you appreciate him working and bringing home the dough. It makes it easier for him to go to work.
43. Make sure you ALWAYS have something for dinner.
44. Brush your hair… everyday.
45. Don’t forget to do the laundry.
46. Surprise him with gifts. Even necessities can be gifts, ex. new shoes.
47. Listen to him (even when he talks about extremely geeky things like Access Queries, Tables and other boring accounting things.)
48. Try (hard as it might be) to take interest in his hobbies. Try (very, very HARD) not to go shopping too much… and spend all his money.
49. Look attractive and its ok/good to be seductive towards him.
50. Learn tricks and “techniques” to please your husband in intimacy. Of course goes both ways.
51. Prepare for special evenings with him with special dinner and exclusive time (no children permitted).
52. Take care of your skin, esp. facial. Face is center of attraction.
53. If you not satisfied intimately, talk to him and tell him. Help him or provide resources, don’t wait till matters become worse.
54. Don’t discuss important/controversial matters with him when he is tired or sleepy. Find right time for right discussion.
55. Learn to compromise.
56. Continue to do things for your husband and don’t take him for granted.
57. Respect his rights.
58. Whatever you do for him, intend it for the sake of Allah.
59. Make chai for him or whatever hot drink he likes… it will sooth his ‘rough edges.’
60. Take a day to listen to him only, even if he says only a bit. Don’t interject and don’t talk about your issues.
Here’s the other list… we couldn’t quite get to 100! But you are welcome to help add to this as well…
Ahmad Shehab – 60 Ways to Keep Your Wife’s Love – Guaranteed (thanks to Muslim Apple for transcribing)
1. Make her feel secure and sakinah – don’t threaten her with divorce
2. Give sincere salaams
3. Treat her gently – like a fragile vessel
4. Advise in private, at the best time, in the best way and atmosphere
5. Be generous with her
6. Warm the seat for her, you will warm her heart
7. Avoid anger, keep wudu at all times
8. Look good and smell great for your wife
9. Don’t be rigid or harsh-hearted or you will be broken
10. Be a good listener
11. Yes for flattery, no for arguing
12. Call your wife with the best names, cute nicknames, names she loves to hear
13. A pleasant surprise
14. Preserve and guard the tongue
15. Expect, accept, and overlook her shortcomings
16. Give sincere compliments
17. Encourage her to keep good relations with her family
18. Speak of the topic of her interest
19. Express to her relatives how wonderful she is
20. Give each other gifts
21. Get rid of routine, surprise her
22. Have a good opinion of each other
23. Have good manners, overlook small things, and don’t nitpick
24. Add a drop of patience, increase during pregnancy and menses
25. Expect and respect her jealously
26. Be humble
27. Sacrifice your happiness for hers
28. Help at home with housework
29. Help her love your relatives, but don’t try to force her
30. Let her know that she is the ideal wife for you
31. Remember your wife in dua
32. Leave the past for Allah subhanahu wa ta ala, don’t dwell on, dig into, or bring it up.
33. Don’t act as if you are doing her a favor by working or providing, Allah is the Provider, the husband is the carrier of the sustenance to the family.
34. Take shaytaan as your enemy, not your wife
35. Put food in your wife’s mouth
36. Treat your wife like she is the most precious pearl that you want to protect
37. Show her your smile
38. Don’t ignore the small things, deal with them before they become big
39. Avoid being harsh-hearted
40. Respect and show that you appreciate her thinking
41. Help her to find and build her inner strengths and skills
42. Respect that she might not be in mood for intimacy, stay within halal boundaries
43. Help her take care of the children
44. Give her gifts with your tongue, be an artist with your compliments
45. Sit down and eat meals together
46. Let her know that you will be traveling or returning from travel, give her sufficient notice
47. Don’t leave home in anger
48. Maintain the secrecy and privacy of the home
49. Encourage each other in ibaadat
50. Respect and fulfill her rights upon you
51. Live with her in kindness, goodness, and fairness in good and bad times
52. Kiss your wife, foreplay, and “Don’t jump on her like a bull”
53. Keep disputes between the two of you, don’t take it outside
54. Show care for her health and well-being
55. Remember you are not always right or perfect yourself
56. Share your happiness and sadness with her
57. Have mercy for her weaknesses
58. Be a firm support for her to lean on
59. Accept her as is, she is a package deal
60. Have a good intention for her
Readers added (special mention Khawla Hurayrah)
61. During Ramadhan, 6 days of Shawwal, Mondays & Thursdays etc. wake up well before fajr and prepare a special wholesome suhoor for her
62. Feed her the suhoor you made for her
63. Designate a nice, clean, spacious area in your home for the 2 of you to pray at night whenever you can. Keep it smelling nice and fresh with incense etc.
64. Women love flowers. Make her something special, a decorative jewelry case or even a poem. Then get a bunch of rose petals and make a trail of them on the floor – leading to the gift you made for her.
65. Make a short song about how she looks as radiant as the moon and mention what a beautiful and special creature she is. Sing it to her acapella. The more horrible your voice is the better.
66. Teach your wife the famous long hadith of A’ishah (R.H) about Umm Zarr.
67. Give her a nice massage when she least expects it.
68. Send your wife a text message out of the blue with a message of love
69. Send your wife an email without a reason
70. Go out on a date (yes dates WITH your are HALAL after marriage!) monthly or set up some schedule and follow it religiously, WITHOUT the kids.
71. Plan a get-away for a weekend in a nice location, preferably without kids (may be stuck with infants).
72. Do something for your wife’s family, whether it is a gift, or a chat with her teen brother who needs mentoring, or whatever. It will get you LOTS of brownie points.
73. If the husband needs to give her advice of something delicate, tell her with wisdom, good timing and when she is in good health without the woes of menses.
74. Do not keep reminding and demanding your rights all the time. Ibn Abbas reported to having said: “I fear Allah from demanding my rights from my wife for I worry that I will not be able to fulfill mine of hers.”
75. Open the door for her and help carry her humongous ‘Coach’ or Target bags.
76. Shop groceries for her and call her from the store and ask her what she needs for the home, for herself or for her to give to people as gifts.
77. Ask her if she would like to invite her sister-friends over for ladies get together dinner and cook for them too!
78. Continue with her practice of giving gifts to her parents and siblings. Ask her what she thinks they might be in need of (only if one can afford it).
79. Help her parents pay off debt or if they are ill. Send her poor relatives some money every year in Ramadhan and also for them to sacrifice for Udhiah during Eid ul Adha. Or even offer to send them to make Hajj if one can afford it.
80. Write love notes or poems and place them in the book she’s been reading for her to find. Also place them in her jacket pocket or drawer.
81. If the wife tells the husband something that she had just learned from the Qur’an or hadith book, do not dismiss her or ridicule her effort, instead listen to her and take her word.
82. Hey, why not take her for Hajj or Umrah if this has not been performed yet, better than Coach bags.
83. Plant her, a rose garden! Or better plant her a kitchen garden with all kind of herbs she needs for cooking.
84. Adopt a kitten for her if she likes animal (only if one knows how to care for cats).
85. Get her a new car to replace her old problematic banger; or take her car for maintenance and wash it too.
86. Upgrade her pc or lap-top to a new version with bigger memory; or upgrade her cell phone to the one with iTunes and download her favorite Surah recitors.
87. Learn to do special massage technique and surprise her with your new expertise. (This one was mentioned during the TDC lecture for sisters only program).
88. Teach your children some relevant Islamic etiquettes pertaining to respecting and honoring their mother.
89. Be humorous with her when she made a mistake in the kitchen, like putting too much salt or burnt her baking. And never ever threaten her that you’ll take a second wife!
Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2007/03/12/60-ways-to-keep-your-spouses-love/
Ok, time for a not-so-intellectual, yet extremely important topic. Probably more applicable in our daily lives than most other issues we blog about. So, I modified the title to the post on my previous blog to make it gender-neutral. For a good reason, as you’ll see.
In today’s life of hustle and bustle, the family unit is becoming fragile by the day. Divorces are on the rise (see this entry on Tariq’s blog), and Muslims can no longer claim, as justifiably as before, that divorce is rare among Muslims or even much less than incidents of divorce among non-Muslims. Below, I’ll list the nearly 90 ways that a speaker discussed (you can see video here) and readers added that talk about ways to keep your “Wife’s Love.” Since we have already addressed the husband’s tricks to keep his wife’s love alive for him, a couple of commentators suggested that I do the same for the reverse.
So, the challenge is on, can we come up with even 60 ways for the wife to keep her husband’s love? Challenge has been MET! With the help of the Blogosphere’s smartest readers, we have collectively gathered 60 ways to keep the husband’s love, and many more for keeping the wife’s. The question now is how many will we actually implement? And how do we implement? Would flash cards work? Would one thing a day work? Maybe write up one way on the refrigerator sticky? Do we need to start another list, maybe I-Muslim’s 60 ways to keep the mother-in-law happy? I think we may need more than that…
Readers: Ways to Keep Your Husband’s Love- Inshallah
1. Behave like a female, i.e. all the tenderness of a female… a man doesn’t want a man for his wife (well, let’s say normal a man!).
2. Dress pleasantly/attractively. If you are a home-maker, don’t stay in your sleeping suit all day.
3. Smell good (does that need further explanations).
4. Don’t lay out all your problems on your husband as soon as he walks in. Give him a little mental break.
5. Don’t keep asking him, “What are you thinking?”…because unlike women, men’s thoughts are as random as the results of a Google search. Women on the other hand have thoughts as organized as a labeled file-cabinet!
6. Stop nagging non-stop before Allah ta’ala gives you something really to complaint about.
7. Absolutely no talking about your spousal problems to anyone you meet under the pretense of seeking help, even if you are the victim. Sister Hannah Gamal gives this advice, if you think you want to solve legitimate marital issues then go seek counseling with the right person who can give advice in either
A. Mediate any injustice done so any wrong can be corrected and a couple can reunite in harmony, or
B. Amicable divorce
8. Be kind to your mother-in-law the same way you would like your husband to be kind to your own mother.
9. Learn all the rights and obligations of each other in Islam.
10. Race to the door when he comes home, as if you were waiting for him. Smile and hug.
11. Keep your house clean, at least to the level that he wants it.
12. Compliment him on the things you know he’s not so confident about (looks, intelligence) etc. This will build his self-esteem.
13. Tell him he’s the best husband ever.
14. Call his family often.
15. Give him a simple task to do at home and then thank him when he does it. This will encourage him to do more.
16. When he’s talking about something boring, listen and nod your head. Even ask questions to make it seem like you’re interested.
17. Encourage him to do good deeds.
18. If he’s in a bad mood, give him some space. He’ll get over it, inshaAllah.
19. Thank him sincerely for providing you with food and shelter. It’s a big deal.
20. If he’s angry with you and starts yelling, let him yell it out while you’re quiet. You will see your fight will end a lot faster. Then when he’s calm, you can tell him your side of the story and how you want him to change something.
21. When you’re mad at him, don’t say “You make me furious,” rather, “This action makes me upset.” Direct your anger to the action and circumstance rather than at him.
22. Remember that your husband has feelings, so take them into consideration.
23. Let him chill with his friends without guilt, especially if they’re good guys. Encourage him to go out, so he doesn’t feel “cooped up” at home.
24. If your husband is annoyed over a little thing you do (and you can control it), then stop doing it. Really.
25. Learn how to tell him what you expect without him having to guess all the time. Learn to communicate your feelings.
26. Don’t get mad over small things. It’s not worth it.
27. Make jokes. If you’re not naturally funny, go on the internet and read some jokes, and then tell them to him.
28. Tell him you’re the best wife ever and compliment yourself on certain things you know you’re good at.
29. Learn to make his favorite dish.
30. Don’t ever, EVER talk bad about him with friends or family unnecessarily. If they end up agreeing with you, you will see that it hits you back in the face because you get more depressed that you have a bad husband and other people also think you have a bad husband.
31. Use your time wisely and get things accomplished. If you’re a housewife, take online classes and get active in your community. This will make you happy and a secondary bonus is that it impresses your husband.
32. Do all of the above fee sabeelillah and you will see Allah put barakah in everything you do.
33. Husband and wife should discuss and communicate with wisdom with each other to convey what they like and dislike of each other to do or not to do. NOT give command or instruction like servant. “They are garments to each other.”
34. Tell your husband you love him many, many times. A’ishah narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to ask her how strong her love for him, she said like “a knot” and the next time round he would ask her, “How is that knot?” He also used to reply to her saying, “Jazzakillah, O Aishah, wallahi, you have not rejoiced in me as I have rejoiced in you.” (Anyone knows the source?)
35. Have a race with your husband and let him win, even if you are much fitter and stronger than him.
36. Keep fit and take care of your health so you will remain a strong mother, wife, cook and housekeeper, insha’Allah you will not get fat and frumpy.
37. Refine and cultivate good mannerisms i.e. do not whine, don’t laugh or talk too loud or walk like an elephant.
38. Do not leave the house without his permission and certainly not without his knowledge.
39. Make sure all his clothes are clean and pressed so he is always looking fresh and crisps.
40. Ask Allah to strengthen and preserve the bonds of compassion and love between the two of you, every day, and every prayer. Ask Him to protect that bond from Shaytaan. When a lesser devil destroys the love between spouses, he is the most beloved of Shaytaan. Nothing works like du’ah, and love only exists between spouses where Allah instills it.
41. They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
42. Always let him know that you appreciate him working and bringing home the dough. It makes it easier for him to go to work.
43. Make sure you ALWAYS have something for dinner.
44. Brush your hair… everyday.
45. Don’t forget to do the laundry.
46. Surprise him with gifts. Even necessities can be gifts, ex. new shoes.
47. Listen to him (even when he talks about extremely geeky things like Access Queries, Tables and other boring accounting things.)
48. Try (hard as it might be) to take interest in his hobbies. Try (very, very HARD) not to go shopping too much… and spend all his money.
49. Look attractive and its ok/good to be seductive towards him.
50. Learn tricks and “techniques” to please your husband in intimacy. Of course goes both ways.
51. Prepare for special evenings with him with special dinner and exclusive time (no children permitted).
52. Take care of your skin, esp. facial. Face is center of attraction.
53. If you not satisfied intimately, talk to him and tell him. Help him or provide resources, don’t wait till matters become worse.
54. Don’t discuss important/controversial matters with him when he is tired or sleepy. Find right time for right discussion.
55. Learn to compromise.
56. Continue to do things for your husband and don’t take him for granted.
57. Respect his rights.
58. Whatever you do for him, intend it for the sake of Allah.
59. Make chai for him or whatever hot drink he likes… it will sooth his ‘rough edges.’
60. Take a day to listen to him only, even if he says only a bit. Don’t interject and don’t talk about your issues.
Here’s the other list… we couldn’t quite get to 100! But you are welcome to help add to this as well…
Ahmad Shehab – 60 Ways to Keep Your Wife’s Love – Guaranteed (thanks to Muslim Apple for transcribing)
1. Make her feel secure and sakinah – don’t threaten her with divorce
2. Give sincere salaams
3. Treat her gently – like a fragile vessel
4. Advise in private, at the best time, in the best way and atmosphere
5. Be generous with her
6. Warm the seat for her, you will warm her heart
7. Avoid anger, keep wudu at all times
8. Look good and smell great for your wife
9. Don’t be rigid or harsh-hearted or you will be broken
10. Be a good listener
11. Yes for flattery, no for arguing
12. Call your wife with the best names, cute nicknames, names she loves to hear
13. A pleasant surprise
14. Preserve and guard the tongue
15. Expect, accept, and overlook her shortcomings
16. Give sincere compliments
17. Encourage her to keep good relations with her family
18. Speak of the topic of her interest
19. Express to her relatives how wonderful she is
20. Give each other gifts
21. Get rid of routine, surprise her
22. Have a good opinion of each other
23. Have good manners, overlook small things, and don’t nitpick
24. Add a drop of patience, increase during pregnancy and menses
25. Expect and respect her jealously
26. Be humble
27. Sacrifice your happiness for hers
28. Help at home with housework
29. Help her love your relatives, but don’t try to force her
30. Let her know that she is the ideal wife for you
31. Remember your wife in dua
32. Leave the past for Allah subhanahu wa ta ala, don’t dwell on, dig into, or bring it up.
33. Don’t act as if you are doing her a favor by working or providing, Allah is the Provider, the husband is the carrier of the sustenance to the family.
34. Take shaytaan as your enemy, not your wife
35. Put food in your wife’s mouth
36. Treat your wife like she is the most precious pearl that you want to protect
37. Show her your smile
38. Don’t ignore the small things, deal with them before they become big
39. Avoid being harsh-hearted
40. Respect and show that you appreciate her thinking
41. Help her to find and build her inner strengths and skills
42. Respect that she might not be in mood for intimacy, stay within halal boundaries
43. Help her take care of the children
44. Give her gifts with your tongue, be an artist with your compliments
45. Sit down and eat meals together
46. Let her know that you will be traveling or returning from travel, give her sufficient notice
47. Don’t leave home in anger
48. Maintain the secrecy and privacy of the home
49. Encourage each other in ibaadat
50. Respect and fulfill her rights upon you
51. Live with her in kindness, goodness, and fairness in good and bad times
52. Kiss your wife, foreplay, and “Don’t jump on her like a bull”
53. Keep disputes between the two of you, don’t take it outside
54. Show care for her health and well-being
55. Remember you are not always right or perfect yourself
56. Share your happiness and sadness with her
57. Have mercy for her weaknesses
58. Be a firm support for her to lean on
59. Accept her as is, she is a package deal
60. Have a good intention for her
Readers added (special mention Khawla Hurayrah)
61. During Ramadhan, 6 days of Shawwal, Mondays & Thursdays etc. wake up well before fajr and prepare a special wholesome suhoor for her
62. Feed her the suhoor you made for her
63. Designate a nice, clean, spacious area in your home for the 2 of you to pray at night whenever you can. Keep it smelling nice and fresh with incense etc.
64. Women love flowers. Make her something special, a decorative jewelry case or even a poem. Then get a bunch of rose petals and make a trail of them on the floor – leading to the gift you made for her.
65. Make a short song about how she looks as radiant as the moon and mention what a beautiful and special creature she is. Sing it to her acapella. The more horrible your voice is the better.
66. Teach your wife the famous long hadith of A’ishah (R.H) about Umm Zarr.
67. Give her a nice massage when she least expects it.
68. Send your wife a text message out of the blue with a message of love
69. Send your wife an email without a reason
70. Go out on a date (yes dates WITH your are HALAL after marriage!) monthly or set up some schedule and follow it religiously, WITHOUT the kids.
71. Plan a get-away for a weekend in a nice location, preferably without kids (may be stuck with infants).
72. Do something for your wife’s family, whether it is a gift, or a chat with her teen brother who needs mentoring, or whatever. It will get you LOTS of brownie points.
73. If the husband needs to give her advice of something delicate, tell her with wisdom, good timing and when she is in good health without the woes of menses.
74. Do not keep reminding and demanding your rights all the time. Ibn Abbas reported to having said: “I fear Allah from demanding my rights from my wife for I worry that I will not be able to fulfill mine of hers.”
75. Open the door for her and help carry her humongous ‘Coach’ or Target bags.
76. Shop groceries for her and call her from the store and ask her what she needs for the home, for herself or for her to give to people as gifts.
77. Ask her if she would like to invite her sister-friends over for ladies get together dinner and cook for them too!
78. Continue with her practice of giving gifts to her parents and siblings. Ask her what she thinks they might be in need of (only if one can afford it).
79. Help her parents pay off debt or if they are ill. Send her poor relatives some money every year in Ramadhan and also for them to sacrifice for Udhiah during Eid ul Adha. Or even offer to send them to make Hajj if one can afford it.
80. Write love notes or poems and place them in the book she’s been reading for her to find. Also place them in her jacket pocket or drawer.
81. If the wife tells the husband something that she had just learned from the Qur’an or hadith book, do not dismiss her or ridicule her effort, instead listen to her and take her word.
82. Hey, why not take her for Hajj or Umrah if this has not been performed yet, better than Coach bags.
83. Plant her, a rose garden! Or better plant her a kitchen garden with all kind of herbs she needs for cooking.
84. Adopt a kitten for her if she likes animal (only if one knows how to care for cats).
85. Get her a new car to replace her old problematic banger; or take her car for maintenance and wash it too.
86. Upgrade her pc or lap-top to a new version with bigger memory; or upgrade her cell phone to the one with iTunes and download her favorite Surah recitors.
87. Learn to do special massage technique and surprise her with your new expertise. (This one was mentioned during the TDC lecture for sisters only program).
88. Teach your children some relevant Islamic etiquettes pertaining to respecting and honoring their mother.
89. Be humorous with her when she made a mistake in the kitchen, like putting too much salt or burnt her baking. And never ever threaten her that you’ll take a second wife!
Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2007/03/12/60-ways-to-keep-your-spouses-love/
Saturday, July 23, 2011
5 Simple Steps to a Good Marriage
The other day I was kid-free for a whole 45 minutes. That’s right for-tee-five minutos! What did I do you ask?
There was SO much I could have done. You know 45 minutes is a long time in mom-years. There was also the option of doing nothing. However, I wanted to do at least something. Moments like this are rare.
So I drove to the nearest coffee shop, grabbed a book I’ve been trying to finish for over a month, plopped my bee-hind on a cozy couch and just read. Yup. That’s it. And you know what? That was more than enough to rejuvenate me for the rest of the week.
All it took was a few minutes of “me” time to get me through the next few days. That my friend, is one of the first simple steps towards a happy marriage.
#1 Own your own happiness
We’ve talked about this before. As women we always have so much on our plate, and yet we seem to remain hungry. Hungry in the sense of wanting more… more free time, more relaxing time, more sane time…. whatever. Unless you take matters into your own hands and prioritize yourself first, you won’t reach happiness. Yes, in a marriage both partners should give, give, give to the other and take less, less, less. But it’s ok to take a break every now and then and catch your breath. Sigh. Go ahead. You should try it some time.
#2 Compliment more than complain
Believe it or not men like to be appreciated, noticed, and recognized as well. We might like the sweet compliments coming at us 24/7 but for men it’s not words that do the trick. It’s simple gestures and actions that show them we care about them. Instead of offering a list full of complaints, you simply give him gentle kisses and tell him how he means to you. By doing so, you might just end up forgetting what you wanted to complain about in the first place.
#3 Spend time apart
Ever hear distance makes the hearts grow fonder? So true! This step can also be intertwined with #1. Nevertheless, at least once or twice a week, plan separate activities after work or on weekends. Too much of something is not good either. By being apart every now and then you can refresh your marriage.
#4 Flirt
No not with someone else…. with your hubby! Find that charm and win over your man all over again. You can even try smiling… trust me… it works.
#5 Don’t go to bed angry
Ah my favorite. You avoid this and a huge chunk of your problems will be solved. I’ve discussed this in previous posts. Don’t bring your problems into bed with you. You will be cheating on your marriage then. Make the bed your safe haven and source of removing stress not adding it. You can thank me later…
Source: http://tightknot.wordpress.com/2011/01/22/5-simple-steps-to-a-good-marriage/
There was SO much I could have done. You know 45 minutes is a long time in mom-years. There was also the option of doing nothing. However, I wanted to do at least something. Moments like this are rare.
So I drove to the nearest coffee shop, grabbed a book I’ve been trying to finish for over a month, plopped my bee-hind on a cozy couch and just read. Yup. That’s it. And you know what? That was more than enough to rejuvenate me for the rest of the week.
All it took was a few minutes of “me” time to get me through the next few days. That my friend, is one of the first simple steps towards a happy marriage.
#1 Own your own happiness
We’ve talked about this before. As women we always have so much on our plate, and yet we seem to remain hungry. Hungry in the sense of wanting more… more free time, more relaxing time, more sane time…. whatever. Unless you take matters into your own hands and prioritize yourself first, you won’t reach happiness. Yes, in a marriage both partners should give, give, give to the other and take less, less, less. But it’s ok to take a break every now and then and catch your breath. Sigh. Go ahead. You should try it some time.
#2 Compliment more than complain
Believe it or not men like to be appreciated, noticed, and recognized as well. We might like the sweet compliments coming at us 24/7 but for men it’s not words that do the trick. It’s simple gestures and actions that show them we care about them. Instead of offering a list full of complaints, you simply give him gentle kisses and tell him how he means to you. By doing so, you might just end up forgetting what you wanted to complain about in the first place.
#3 Spend time apart
Ever hear distance makes the hearts grow fonder? So true! This step can also be intertwined with #1. Nevertheless, at least once or twice a week, plan separate activities after work or on weekends. Too much of something is not good either. By being apart every now and then you can refresh your marriage.
#4 Flirt
No not with someone else…. with your hubby! Find that charm and win over your man all over again. You can even try smiling… trust me… it works.
#5 Don’t go to bed angry
Ah my favorite. You avoid this and a huge chunk of your problems will be solved. I’ve discussed this in previous posts. Don’t bring your problems into bed with you. You will be cheating on your marriage then. Make the bed your safe haven and source of removing stress not adding it. You can thank me later…
Source: http://tightknot.wordpress.com/2011/01/22/5-simple-steps-to-a-good-marriage/
The First 2 Years: A Marriage Survival Guide by Sound Vision staff writer
More Muslim marriages in North America are breaking up in their first year than ever before, according to Shahina Siddiqui, executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA).
The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.
Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.
1. Lack of proper information before marriage
A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:
1. Whether or not the wife will work outside the home?
2. Will the couple wait to have children?
3. Which city and country the couple will live in after marriage?
4. Will they live with his parents or have their own apartment?
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.
2. Who is in charge?
One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.
Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise.
While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean he runs the couple's family life like a dictatorship.
It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility.
A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.
Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources, instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.
3. The divorce option
Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in marriage.
It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made Halal, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.
They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.
4. Sexual problems
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.
In the sex-saturated culture of North America, couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.
In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.
It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is Haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.
On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the time out for these things and give them even more attention after marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both to do that, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.
5. In-laws
The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.
Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.
As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.
In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.
6. Realism
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movies, where everyone is "perfect." Real life is very different.
Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.
6. Making a schedule and establishing rituals
Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.
This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.
Some rituals couples can establish may include:
1. Praying at least one prayer together
2. Attending a study circle together once a week
3. Deciding on a weekly menu
4. Having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
5. Setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
6. Setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house
7. Setting a time to discuss finances and a budget
8. Making a phone contacting during the day
9. Deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents
By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same area with separate lives.
7. Marriage as a restriction
Muslim men who have grown up in North America may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and get home by 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m. if not earlier.
While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.
8. Friends and Islamic activities
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life.
But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too much time spent with friends, either hanging out or on the phone, means time lost with a husband/wife.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friend dilemma could be:
1. Working out a "friend’s time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately
2. Developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses
3. Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Muslim Students' Association meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.
Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their due but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.
9. Not keeping secrets
A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to sexual matters, and exposing their spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.
Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor," someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart.
10. Finances
How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc. These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.
To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget then stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's one less source of conflict in the marriage.
A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.
Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this kind of provision over expensive gifts.
11. Give each other space
A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other hand and foot.
Wives may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.
Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.
The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.
Source: http://www.soundvision.com/Info/marriage/survivalguide.asp
The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.
Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.
1. Lack of proper information before marriage
A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:
1. Whether or not the wife will work outside the home?
2. Will the couple wait to have children?
3. Which city and country the couple will live in after marriage?
4. Will they live with his parents or have their own apartment?
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.
2. Who is in charge?
One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.
Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise.
While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean he runs the couple's family life like a dictatorship.
It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility.
A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.
Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources, instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.
3. The divorce option
Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in marriage.
It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made Halal, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.
They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.
4. Sexual problems
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.
In the sex-saturated culture of North America, couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.
In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.
It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is Haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.
On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the time out for these things and give them even more attention after marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both to do that, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.
5. In-laws
The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.
Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.
As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.
In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.
6. Realism
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movies, where everyone is "perfect." Real life is very different.
Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.
6. Making a schedule and establishing rituals
Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.
This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.
Some rituals couples can establish may include:
1. Praying at least one prayer together
2. Attending a study circle together once a week
3. Deciding on a weekly menu
4. Having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
5. Setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
6. Setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house
7. Setting a time to discuss finances and a budget
8. Making a phone contacting during the day
9. Deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents
By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same area with separate lives.
7. Marriage as a restriction
Muslim men who have grown up in North America may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and get home by 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m. if not earlier.
While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.
8. Friends and Islamic activities
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life.
But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too much time spent with friends, either hanging out or on the phone, means time lost with a husband/wife.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friend dilemma could be:
1. Working out a "friend’s time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately
2. Developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses
3. Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Muslim Students' Association meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.
Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their due but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.
9. Not keeping secrets
A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to sexual matters, and exposing their spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.
Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor," someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart.
10. Finances
How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc. These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.
To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget then stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's one less source of conflict in the marriage.
A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.
Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this kind of provision over expensive gifts.
11. Give each other space
A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other hand and foot.
Wives may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.
Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.
The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.
Source: http://www.soundvision.com/Info/marriage/survivalguide.asp
Thursday, July 21, 2011
One Critical Mistake a Single Muslimah Makes When Finding Her Mr. Right for Marriage by Yaser Birjas & Megan Wyatt
A while ago, a father came to me for help with finding a potential husband for his daughter. So, I asked him to share her marriage resume with me.
A couple of days later, her father brought me a marriage resume. After looking through her marriage resume, which was quite long, I told the father, “I thought you wanted me to look for a potential husband for your daughter, not a job!”
What she described in all those pages could be summarized in two letters: MD.
So, how did she really need to describe herself?
That’s the focus of this article, and that’s just one of the three critical mistakes Sister Megan Wyatt and I shared with everyone very recently in this webinar.
From my years of teaching on the topic of love and marriage, and counseling singles, married couples, and their parents, I can tell you this: By knowing about this one critical mistake, you will, inshaAllah, learn how to speak about yourself in a way that attracts the kind of brother you are searching for, allows you to keep at bay the brothers you do not want knocking on your father’s door, and prevents you from turning off the very kind of person you are seeking.
Now, let’s get into the details of that one mistake.
When Sister Megan Wyatt was conducting interviews with single Muslim sisters ages 25-30, she asked them to do the following: “Describe yourself in a few sentences so I could in turn describe you to a brother who I think may be a potential suitor.”
Almost every sister told her what she does not want in a marriage; the kind of brother she does not want to meet. Hardly anyone actually answered the question. The few sisters who did answer gave short, one-liner responses.
The realization was this: many sisters have no idea how to present themselves.
You may be trying to get married in a way that worked in the past, while you are not like the women of the past.
Sixty to seventy years ago, even in this country, a woman’s role in marriage was clear.
Today, at the age of 19 or 20, most Muslim women expect to complete at a minimum a college degree before getting married.
Along with that degree, there is the question of whether or not you want a career, or perhaps just to dabble in the workforce for some time. Do you want to pursue grad school, and if so, who will take care of the kids, if you have any?
We are looking at this without judgment — however, there is something essential to be understood: The majority of practicing Muslim men in the West, based on our interviews, blogs, and personal conversations with them across the country, despite growing up here are looking for a wife who will fill a more traditional role, that of a stay at home wife; and at the least to be home with future children, inshaAllah.
And we have also learned that many of you want to do just that: get married, and eventually, be there for your family and children in a more “traditional” role.
Now, many brothers are willing to be flexible to a point, but if you ask most of them their preference, this is what they want…
…leading us to that critical mistake: Not knowing how to describe yourself for marriage.
What happens when the first thing you say about yourself or your friend says about you is: “She is 26 years old, and has a degree in chemistry, and she is currently in grad school.” Or, “…is working in a lab called xyz.”
From the brother’s perspective, he hears a description that says little (or nothing) about what he is looking for in a wife, aside from “educated.”
Let’s take another example: “She is strong and active in Da’wah, is working on memorizing the Qur’an, has a degree in journalism, and teaches in her local Sunday school.”
Again, excellent qualities. It says a bit more about you, but still, for a brother: what is it that he is seeking?
The difficult reality is that brothers are looking for specific qualities, and when they hear them, it alerts them that this is the kind of sister worth considering.
But what happens if no one is describing you in a way, on your behalf, that speaks his language — that highlights the qualities he desires?
The idea of sitting around and waiting for others to find you someone is an option, but it is not necessarily the most proven option, especially these days.
Many brothers are asking other sisters to help them find a wife, because their families may be abroad, or their parents don’t share the same kind of values as them in terms of the deen.
The fact is that today both men and women are taking more of an active role in searching for a spouse on their own, which means that you may need to learn how to represent yourself to some degree — to explain who you are, and what you want in a husband.
So you need to think: How can I describe myself in a way that is truthful, while also telling him about me in a way that interests him?
So many sisters write about themselves as if they are looking for a pen pal! Seriously.
We sifted through the marriage resumes and bio-data of many sisters that we found online. (That’s another point altogether — having full access to a sister’s photo and her details available to complete strangers, without even having to log in!)
Let’s share two examples:
“I currently work as a Respiratory Practitioner and I intend on pursuing my Master’s degree in Occupational Therapy. My hobbies include spending time with family and friends, taking road trips, and traveling the world. I love music and cooking ethnic cuisine! I come from a very loving, understanding, and supportive family.”
“My sister is 26 years old. She is a graduate of ABC University. Currently she is working as a chemist in a big name company. She is a great person with an open mind and a great heart. I am so glad that Allah (S.W.T) blessed me with such a great sibling. I love her and inshallah if you choose her you will know why she is so great. My sister, XYZ, enjoys reading and going out. She is slim and tall with a great smile. She is not a TV person. She is independent. We are 2 brothers and 2 sisters. XYZ is no. 3 in our little family. I am the older, married sister and I want to help my sister also get married so she can enjoy life like I am doing.”
We got bored reading through these. If we were searching for our own brother, we would think: “Forget this! Everyone sounds the same. Everyone likes to travel, shop, go to the cinema, eat, and everyone says they are a nice and caring person.”
So, what makes those two examples bad?
Reading through thousands of ads like that, here are just a few qualities that we found common in all of them:
■Vague
■Too long (too many details)
■Not to the point
■Confused or overconfident
■Too personal
■Too professional
■Too flirtatious
■Too good to be true
■Too girlish
■Too picky (race, culture, qualities etc.)
■Confrontational (expecting a war for rights and obligations)
■Suspicious
On the other hand, what are the qualities that are common in good descriptions or marriage resumes?
■Very realistic in self description and in spousal demands (sounds real)
■Balanced in personality and professionalism
■Family first
■To the point
■Very clear language (accurate spelling and good choice of words)
■Natural flow of thoughts
If you’re serious about really getting this concept, we’d like you do a quick exercise (without anyone’s help, just by yourself).
First part of the exercise (three questions):
1) Write down 3-5 sentences describing yourself.
2) Write down 3-5 sentences about what kind of man you are looking for.
3) Write in only one sentence what you will not consider in a man.
It is important that you know how to speak about yourself confidently. It is not humility to be unable to describe yourself, and just smile and fumble over words.
Oftentimes, when we think we are acting humbly we are actually attempting to hide our lack of self-esteem and lack of recognition of the qualities that Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) has given us to share with others.
Remember: you are not going around praising yourself; you are describing yourself for marriage. Think about it.
Now, for the second part of the exercise:
Go back and re-read your answers and ask yourself the following:
1) How true are the things I just wrote down? Is this really me? Is this how my friends and family would describe me?
2) What have I said that would be interesting to the kind of brother I am looking to meet?
As you think about the words, phrases, feelings, and qualities that you would choose, you will find that you may have some of the qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will like and you may have some qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will not like.
Being too personal is not a good idea. Same is true for being too professional.
Whatever the case is, the keyword you need to remember is: “balance.”
Here is the key concept, the bottom line: Learn how to speak about yourself, learn how to describe yourself in a way that allows you to be confident, and beautiful in your modesty, that will connect with the words and thoughts in the mind of your Mr. Right.
Think about how you want to present yourself — the qualities you want to highlight which matter a lot to him, not what makes you fall in love with your own self!
After all, you are looking for a husband, someone from the opposite gender (not a female friend or a buddy).
Just a side note: if you do use a picture in a marriage resume (with permission from your wali!), please do not try to look like America’s next top hijabi model like the ones you see online, and particularly on the infamous Facebook. Too many sisters try puckering their lips, looking over their shoulders with some sultry pout, etc. which turns off the kind of practicing man you are really seeking.
So, stick to a photo that has hayaa in the image; something normal and natural.
While you are searching for your Mr. Right, remember that in these moments there must be hidden gifts. As Muslims, we are to believe that there is an advantage to every situation in which we find ourselves.
Look at the time that has elapsed, and ask yourself: “I’m not married, although I’ve been trying for a long time. What is it that Allah wants me to learn? What message, what lesson is waiting for my heart?”
We ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to bless you with sabr, first and foremost, because Allah loves those who have patience, and He is close to those who have sabr.
We ask Allah to bring into your life the kind of husband you are searching for, and to allow your journey from start to finish to be a means of growing closer to Allah, finding His rahmah, and leading you to ever-increasing levels of eman.
Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2010/02/12/one-critical-mistake-a-single-muslimah-makes%e2%80%a8-when-finding-her-mr-right-for-marriage/
A couple of days later, her father brought me a marriage resume. After looking through her marriage resume, which was quite long, I told the father, “I thought you wanted me to look for a potential husband for your daughter, not a job!”
What she described in all those pages could be summarized in two letters: MD.
So, how did she really need to describe herself?
That’s the focus of this article, and that’s just one of the three critical mistakes Sister Megan Wyatt and I shared with everyone very recently in this webinar.
From my years of teaching on the topic of love and marriage, and counseling singles, married couples, and their parents, I can tell you this: By knowing about this one critical mistake, you will, inshaAllah, learn how to speak about yourself in a way that attracts the kind of brother you are searching for, allows you to keep at bay the brothers you do not want knocking on your father’s door, and prevents you from turning off the very kind of person you are seeking.
Now, let’s get into the details of that one mistake.
When Sister Megan Wyatt was conducting interviews with single Muslim sisters ages 25-30, she asked them to do the following: “Describe yourself in a few sentences so I could in turn describe you to a brother who I think may be a potential suitor.”
Almost every sister told her what she does not want in a marriage; the kind of brother she does not want to meet. Hardly anyone actually answered the question. The few sisters who did answer gave short, one-liner responses.
The realization was this: many sisters have no idea how to present themselves.
You may be trying to get married in a way that worked in the past, while you are not like the women of the past.
Sixty to seventy years ago, even in this country, a woman’s role in marriage was clear.
Today, at the age of 19 or 20, most Muslim women expect to complete at a minimum a college degree before getting married.
Along with that degree, there is the question of whether or not you want a career, or perhaps just to dabble in the workforce for some time. Do you want to pursue grad school, and if so, who will take care of the kids, if you have any?
We are looking at this without judgment — however, there is something essential to be understood: The majority of practicing Muslim men in the West, based on our interviews, blogs, and personal conversations with them across the country, despite growing up here are looking for a wife who will fill a more traditional role, that of a stay at home wife; and at the least to be home with future children, inshaAllah.
And we have also learned that many of you want to do just that: get married, and eventually, be there for your family and children in a more “traditional” role.
Now, many brothers are willing to be flexible to a point, but if you ask most of them their preference, this is what they want…
…leading us to that critical mistake: Not knowing how to describe yourself for marriage.
What happens when the first thing you say about yourself or your friend says about you is: “She is 26 years old, and has a degree in chemistry, and she is currently in grad school.” Or, “…is working in a lab called xyz.”
From the brother’s perspective, he hears a description that says little (or nothing) about what he is looking for in a wife, aside from “educated.”
Let’s take another example: “She is strong and active in Da’wah, is working on memorizing the Qur’an, has a degree in journalism, and teaches in her local Sunday school.”
Again, excellent qualities. It says a bit more about you, but still, for a brother: what is it that he is seeking?
The difficult reality is that brothers are looking for specific qualities, and when they hear them, it alerts them that this is the kind of sister worth considering.
But what happens if no one is describing you in a way, on your behalf, that speaks his language — that highlights the qualities he desires?
The idea of sitting around and waiting for others to find you someone is an option, but it is not necessarily the most proven option, especially these days.
Many brothers are asking other sisters to help them find a wife, because their families may be abroad, or their parents don’t share the same kind of values as them in terms of the deen.
The fact is that today both men and women are taking more of an active role in searching for a spouse on their own, which means that you may need to learn how to represent yourself to some degree — to explain who you are, and what you want in a husband.
So you need to think: How can I describe myself in a way that is truthful, while also telling him about me in a way that interests him?
So many sisters write about themselves as if they are looking for a pen pal! Seriously.
We sifted through the marriage resumes and bio-data of many sisters that we found online. (That’s another point altogether — having full access to a sister’s photo and her details available to complete strangers, without even having to log in!)
Let’s share two examples:
“I currently work as a Respiratory Practitioner and I intend on pursuing my Master’s degree in Occupational Therapy. My hobbies include spending time with family and friends, taking road trips, and traveling the world. I love music and cooking ethnic cuisine! I come from a very loving, understanding, and supportive family.”
“My sister is 26 years old. She is a graduate of ABC University. Currently she is working as a chemist in a big name company. She is a great person with an open mind and a great heart. I am so glad that Allah (S.W.T) blessed me with such a great sibling. I love her and inshallah if you choose her you will know why she is so great. My sister, XYZ, enjoys reading and going out. She is slim and tall with a great smile. She is not a TV person. She is independent. We are 2 brothers and 2 sisters. XYZ is no. 3 in our little family. I am the older, married sister and I want to help my sister also get married so she can enjoy life like I am doing.”
We got bored reading through these. If we were searching for our own brother, we would think: “Forget this! Everyone sounds the same. Everyone likes to travel, shop, go to the cinema, eat, and everyone says they are a nice and caring person.”
So, what makes those two examples bad?
Reading through thousands of ads like that, here are just a few qualities that we found common in all of them:
■Vague
■Too long (too many details)
■Not to the point
■Confused or overconfident
■Too personal
■Too professional
■Too flirtatious
■Too good to be true
■Too girlish
■Too picky (race, culture, qualities etc.)
■Confrontational (expecting a war for rights and obligations)
■Suspicious
On the other hand, what are the qualities that are common in good descriptions or marriage resumes?
■Very realistic in self description and in spousal demands (sounds real)
■Balanced in personality and professionalism
■Family first
■To the point
■Very clear language (accurate spelling and good choice of words)
■Natural flow of thoughts
If you’re serious about really getting this concept, we’d like you do a quick exercise (without anyone’s help, just by yourself).
First part of the exercise (three questions):
1) Write down 3-5 sentences describing yourself.
2) Write down 3-5 sentences about what kind of man you are looking for.
3) Write in only one sentence what you will not consider in a man.
It is important that you know how to speak about yourself confidently. It is not humility to be unable to describe yourself, and just smile and fumble over words.
Oftentimes, when we think we are acting humbly we are actually attempting to hide our lack of self-esteem and lack of recognition of the qualities that Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) has given us to share with others.
Remember: you are not going around praising yourself; you are describing yourself for marriage. Think about it.
Now, for the second part of the exercise:
Go back and re-read your answers and ask yourself the following:
1) How true are the things I just wrote down? Is this really me? Is this how my friends and family would describe me?
2) What have I said that would be interesting to the kind of brother I am looking to meet?
As you think about the words, phrases, feelings, and qualities that you would choose, you will find that you may have some of the qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will like and you may have some qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will not like.
Being too personal is not a good idea. Same is true for being too professional.
Whatever the case is, the keyword you need to remember is: “balance.”
Here is the key concept, the bottom line: Learn how to speak about yourself, learn how to describe yourself in a way that allows you to be confident, and beautiful in your modesty, that will connect with the words and thoughts in the mind of your Mr. Right.
Think about how you want to present yourself — the qualities you want to highlight which matter a lot to him, not what makes you fall in love with your own self!
After all, you are looking for a husband, someone from the opposite gender (not a female friend or a buddy).
Just a side note: if you do use a picture in a marriage resume (with permission from your wali!), please do not try to look like America’s next top hijabi model like the ones you see online, and particularly on the infamous Facebook. Too many sisters try puckering their lips, looking over their shoulders with some sultry pout, etc. which turns off the kind of practicing man you are really seeking.
So, stick to a photo that has hayaa in the image; something normal and natural.
While you are searching for your Mr. Right, remember that in these moments there must be hidden gifts. As Muslims, we are to believe that there is an advantage to every situation in which we find ourselves.
Look at the time that has elapsed, and ask yourself: “I’m not married, although I’ve been trying for a long time. What is it that Allah wants me to learn? What message, what lesson is waiting for my heart?”
We ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to bless you with sabr, first and foremost, because Allah loves those who have patience, and He is close to those who have sabr.
We ask Allah to bring into your life the kind of husband you are searching for, and to allow your journey from start to finish to be a means of growing closer to Allah, finding His rahmah, and leading you to ever-increasing levels of eman.
Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2010/02/12/one-critical-mistake-a-single-muslimah-makes%e2%80%a8-when-finding-her-mr-right-for-marriage/
O You Who Are About to Marry, Any Last Words? Any First Words? by Abu Abdallah Tariq Ahmed
It was my pleasure to write this article at the request of Shaykh Waleed Basyouni for distribution to students in his upcoming course, Fiqh of Love, which will be taught in mid-May in Toronto, ON (sold out online, but there may be availability onsite). In addition to reviewing the article before publication, he graciously suggested that it be shared here with all of you, too. May Allah increase in ‘ilm and hiqmah Shaykh Waleed and others of His slaves who contributed, and may He overlook the faults of this piece and its author, and may He be pleased with all of us who seek His pleasure in our marriages and married lives.
Bismillah walhamdolillah.
Allah created. And among His unique qualities is that He creates without precedent.
Before Allah decreed it, there had never been a “pair” of anything. What He made could never have been imagined by any of His creations, and what He created was something wonderful, walhamdolillah.
He has described the husband and wife as garments for each other. Think about that — if you are unmarried something about you is fundamentally incomplete.
Allah has decreed that man and woman each has free choice. So how will you choose to complete the pair?
When you shop for your spouse, what will you look for, who will you ask, and what questions or discussions will follow? Length? Width? Color? Perhaps.
The sunnah in Islam is to find out the information that will cause you to know whether to propose to someone or accept that person’s proposal. And when you have what you need to know, then you should proceed with the proposal or else stop.
This differentiates Islamic practice from other courtship rules in as much as other rules would permit courting as entertainment, i.e. dating.
If you want to take your spouse on a date, bismillah. If you want to go on a date with someone to whom you are not married, beware the evil into which shaytan would lead you.
The same discretion should enter your questions and conversations before marriage. It is perfectly reasonable to have conversations whose only purpose is to establish that you two can have an easygoing and light conversation.
Yet too many open-ended conversations might lead to affections developing, and at that point many commentators have pointed out that people’s brains switch off: at that point they see only good in the other person. One writer even said that the person in love is as unreasonable as a drunk person.
Indeed Allah does not hold us accountable for our feelings: just as the pen is lifted for the intoxicated person — but the person who is intoxicated now may find tremendous punishment for his actions while he was sober: when he had the aql to avoid drink. And in the same way, Allah may hold us to account for indiscretions committed before we fell (intoxicated) in love — blameworthy actions that led us to a state of love, actions committed when we still had the aql to avoid them.
At the same time, how the other person makes you feel is important. Indeed when the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam found out from Jaabir that Jaabir had selected a woman to marry, the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam did not first ask Jaabir if she were a pious woman. He asked if Jaabir had seen her, looked upon her. And he advised doing so until Jaabir saw what would cause him to marry. Implying that it would have been possible he might not see it, and thus might not marry. And Allah’s decree was that he saw, and they did marry, alhamdolillah.
So we know looking is allowed and that implies that other investigation is too, because when you observe a person you do not see them posed or on a runway, naudhobillah, like clothes in the store. You see them in life, and you observe their interactions so inquiries into those are like what you would see, permissible at least as to what could be seen.
With so many warnings in mind, you may imagine that the only conversations and questions should be about deen: “How many verses have you memorized and of how many of them have you studied the tafseer?” “What are your favorite adhkaar — in salaat — before the basmallah?” “Do you read Muslim more often, or Bukhari?”
Those questions are… odd. Let’s face it — if you are starting out with conversations like those… Who are you marrying? Your shaykh? Shaykh Waleed is already married, folks.
So which questions then should come first? Indeed, Imam Ahmed, RahimAllah, advised that questions about deen should be the very last ones a person asks. Why? For a beautiful reason: good deen beautifies a person and it is better to reject a physically beautiful woman for her ugly deen, than to reject a woman whose deen is beautiful to you for any other reason.
This principle is so strong that it may help explain why the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam re-married the daughter of Omar, Umm al Mumineen Hafsa, radi Allaho anhumaa. Jibreel alayhis salam conversed with the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam about her taqwa and ibadat after their initial divorce, and it was some time after that conversation that they remarried, alhamdolillah.
Interestingly, from the sunnah, there is also the case of Umm Salamah, also Umm al Mumineen, walhamdolillah. She was widowed and had children from her marriage. And after her iddah the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam came to her to propose marriage. And clearly no one had more beautiful deen than him, sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam.
And yet, knowing that, she was prepared to reject him — not for his qualities, subhanAllah, but for her own issues that needed reconciliation. Her children — that they should have a father who loves them. Her age — that she avoid a situation whereby her husband find her at all lacking. And her jealousy of other women — including the other wives of the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam.
And mashaAllah, this case shows us one of the keys to a successful courtship — indeed a successful courtship by the way, is one that ends in a marriage that pleases Allah. The nikah is just one moment, the exchange of a few words. And what follows the nikah is much more than just one night.
Keep that in mind: the success was more likely to come in marriage because the qualities the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam showed in his responses to her were qualities of a successful husband. Her children he promised would be just like his own to him. As for age he compared theirs as reassurance to her. And he prayed to Allah for an easing of her jealousy, walhamdolillah.
Three beautiful qualities (at least) are easy to see in the responses: accommodation, empathy, dua/taqwa/tawakkol. Okay I squeezed three qualities in there for the last example, but alhamdolillah alaa kulli haal, it is difficult to pick only a few traits from his example.
We know that Umm Salamah was a perceptive and intelligent woman — witness her advice to the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam at Hudaybiyyah. Thus, she must have seen in his answers what she needed to know to accept his proposal, alhamdolillah. And indeed it was a successful marriage.
Before embarking on advice about specific questions or conversations you could have when looking for your wife or husband, reflect again on the example of Umm Salamah’s proposal and what followed: how could she have asked such good questions? She was aware of her own needs. And she knew the difference between her needs, and her wishes.
A Messenger of Allah for a husband? A wish. Her questions reflect that she knew, too, her needs. And you should too, before you propose or respond to a proposal, wAllaho’Alim.
Otherwise, if you merely read to each other from a list of questions or conversation-topics — at best you are throwing darts in the dark wondering if you will hit something that yells out in surprise. And at worst, you are ignoring the concerns that should be addressed.
Specific topics and questions to consider — an outline to build on:
Air and Water
–What are the roles of a husband?
–What are the roles of a wife?
This is a separate category because no other topic was so identified in research by Muslims and non-Muslims as a cause of divorce. Huh? Divorce? Yes, couples that have completely different ideas about these roles, and lacked the ability to concede or compromise — they often end their marriages.
“Air and Water” are essential for life, but we hardly ever have to talk about them. You might have additional topics that are “air and water” for you, but these two are different: they will affect everything else. If you are honest with each other now about your expectations, and if you can both breathe easily (accommodate each other), then later on, bi’idhnillah, you will only talk about these roles when you need to clear the air or get through murky waters. You can start the conversation in the abstract, what is the role of “a” husband and “a” wife, but you’re talking about each other.
Bread and Butter
–Finances including expectations of income and spending, who will work, what kind of work/income you would seek or refuse.
–Kids including how many and when, and how to raise them.
–Parents (ie. your kids’ grandparents, bi’idhnillah), other family, friends, socializing.
–Living arrangements including with or without parents and city/neighborhood and expectations of how big and how much.
Unlike “air and water” you can have as many bread and butter topics as you want. All of these things are important, and they may become the subject of arguments in a marriage if you do not discuss your expectations before marriage. But one thing that makes this category different from the others is that all the items are material or external in some fashion. Numbers, sizes, other people, stuff: how much of it do you want, by when, where, and does it even matter to you — assuming the other person has the same answers as you would be a mistake.
Veiled Gems
If you pay close attention to the discussions you and your potential spouse have during bread and butter topics, you will not only address each other’s expectations, bi ‘idhnillah, but also learn a lot about each other’s character.
For the same reason have conversations about goals and accomplishments, past and future — find out how each of you defines an accomplishment. See how much your goals, expectations, and priorities match with each other.
Have conversations about people in need — to find out whether the person cares about others or is more self-interested. Also to find out whether the person really listens to you, or is just waiting for his/her turn to speak. Finally, remember that marriage will have challenges too, and these conversations will help you figure out whether you are talking to someone that you can rely on if times are tough. Or naudhobillah, someone who would run at the first sign of trouble.
Note: see “poison pills.” When it comes to any conversation, but especially for a veiled gem, you are not digging for faults, but searching for genuine understanding. Allah is ar Rahman nir Raheem — you can be forgiving and merciful to each other without being judgmental, while thinking seriously about your compatibility.
Poison Pills
Anything at all about which you yourself do not care while you speak. Even a noble subject, if you talk about it when you do not care what you or the other person is saying could become ghafla. There is also the disastrous possibility that the other person will see you do not care about the conversation and believe you do not care about them — (perhaps) mistaking your attitude.
Immodest conversations in general. Imagine the two of you were sitting in a room with the woman’s father, and the man’s mother. If you think the topic would cause the mother to look away or the father to pull out a sword, then you’re probably thinking of a topic that should not be discussed. Maybe the problem is only that immodest words are being used to discuss a topic that is permissible for you — so exercise good judgment.
What happened to deen?
Fasabrun jameelun.
The Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam praised the quality of deen in a future spouse above wealth, beauty, family, and nobility.
Yet, you should realize that finding a religious person is not enough. You should have other things in common before marriage. Do look for a religious spouse, and choose one who is more compatible with you.
And a word of wisdom from past TDCs spoken by multiple shuyukh and advocates: when you search for a religious spouse, ask yourself if she would be happy with your religiosity, too! As Shaykh Yaser puts it, “Would you marry you?” — in this context would you be satisfied with a spouse who was only as religious as you?
Specific sources used in developing this handout: Fiqh of Love and Practimate.com (with Shaykh Yaser Birjas), 10 Conversations You Must Have Before Marriage by Dr. Guy Grenier, 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Monica Mendez Leahy, Article posted in the Al Maghrib forums by Rabbi Mordecai Rottman, MA, “Four things to look for in a spouse.”
Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2009/05/11/o-you-who-are-about-to-marry-any-last-words-any-first-words/
Bismillah walhamdolillah.
Allah created. And among His unique qualities is that He creates without precedent.
Before Allah decreed it, there had never been a “pair” of anything. What He made could never have been imagined by any of His creations, and what He created was something wonderful, walhamdolillah.
He has described the husband and wife as garments for each other. Think about that — if you are unmarried something about you is fundamentally incomplete.
Allah has decreed that man and woman each has free choice. So how will you choose to complete the pair?
When you shop for your spouse, what will you look for, who will you ask, and what questions or discussions will follow? Length? Width? Color? Perhaps.
The sunnah in Islam is to find out the information that will cause you to know whether to propose to someone or accept that person’s proposal. And when you have what you need to know, then you should proceed with the proposal or else stop.
This differentiates Islamic practice from other courtship rules in as much as other rules would permit courting as entertainment, i.e. dating.
If you want to take your spouse on a date, bismillah. If you want to go on a date with someone to whom you are not married, beware the evil into which shaytan would lead you.
The same discretion should enter your questions and conversations before marriage. It is perfectly reasonable to have conversations whose only purpose is to establish that you two can have an easygoing and light conversation.
Yet too many open-ended conversations might lead to affections developing, and at that point many commentators have pointed out that people’s brains switch off: at that point they see only good in the other person. One writer even said that the person in love is as unreasonable as a drunk person.
Indeed Allah does not hold us accountable for our feelings: just as the pen is lifted for the intoxicated person — but the person who is intoxicated now may find tremendous punishment for his actions while he was sober: when he had the aql to avoid drink. And in the same way, Allah may hold us to account for indiscretions committed before we fell (intoxicated) in love — blameworthy actions that led us to a state of love, actions committed when we still had the aql to avoid them.
At the same time, how the other person makes you feel is important. Indeed when the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam found out from Jaabir that Jaabir had selected a woman to marry, the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam did not first ask Jaabir if she were a pious woman. He asked if Jaabir had seen her, looked upon her. And he advised doing so until Jaabir saw what would cause him to marry. Implying that it would have been possible he might not see it, and thus might not marry. And Allah’s decree was that he saw, and they did marry, alhamdolillah.
So we know looking is allowed and that implies that other investigation is too, because when you observe a person you do not see them posed or on a runway, naudhobillah, like clothes in the store. You see them in life, and you observe their interactions so inquiries into those are like what you would see, permissible at least as to what could be seen.
With so many warnings in mind, you may imagine that the only conversations and questions should be about deen: “How many verses have you memorized and of how many of them have you studied the tafseer?” “What are your favorite adhkaar — in salaat — before the basmallah?” “Do you read Muslim more often, or Bukhari?”
Those questions are… odd. Let’s face it — if you are starting out with conversations like those… Who are you marrying? Your shaykh? Shaykh Waleed is already married, folks.
So which questions then should come first? Indeed, Imam Ahmed, RahimAllah, advised that questions about deen should be the very last ones a person asks. Why? For a beautiful reason: good deen beautifies a person and it is better to reject a physically beautiful woman for her ugly deen, than to reject a woman whose deen is beautiful to you for any other reason.
This principle is so strong that it may help explain why the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam re-married the daughter of Omar, Umm al Mumineen Hafsa, radi Allaho anhumaa. Jibreel alayhis salam conversed with the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam about her taqwa and ibadat after their initial divorce, and it was some time after that conversation that they remarried, alhamdolillah.
Interestingly, from the sunnah, there is also the case of Umm Salamah, also Umm al Mumineen, walhamdolillah. She was widowed and had children from her marriage. And after her iddah the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam came to her to propose marriage. And clearly no one had more beautiful deen than him, sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam.
And yet, knowing that, she was prepared to reject him — not for his qualities, subhanAllah, but for her own issues that needed reconciliation. Her children — that they should have a father who loves them. Her age — that she avoid a situation whereby her husband find her at all lacking. And her jealousy of other women — including the other wives of the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam.
And mashaAllah, this case shows us one of the keys to a successful courtship — indeed a successful courtship by the way, is one that ends in a marriage that pleases Allah. The nikah is just one moment, the exchange of a few words. And what follows the nikah is much more than just one night.
Keep that in mind: the success was more likely to come in marriage because the qualities the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam showed in his responses to her were qualities of a successful husband. Her children he promised would be just like his own to him. As for age he compared theirs as reassurance to her. And he prayed to Allah for an easing of her jealousy, walhamdolillah.
Three beautiful qualities (at least) are easy to see in the responses: accommodation, empathy, dua/taqwa/tawakkol. Okay I squeezed three qualities in there for the last example, but alhamdolillah alaa kulli haal, it is difficult to pick only a few traits from his example.
We know that Umm Salamah was a perceptive and intelligent woman — witness her advice to the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam at Hudaybiyyah. Thus, she must have seen in his answers what she needed to know to accept his proposal, alhamdolillah. And indeed it was a successful marriage.
Before embarking on advice about specific questions or conversations you could have when looking for your wife or husband, reflect again on the example of Umm Salamah’s proposal and what followed: how could she have asked such good questions? She was aware of her own needs. And she knew the difference between her needs, and her wishes.
A Messenger of Allah for a husband? A wish. Her questions reflect that she knew, too, her needs. And you should too, before you propose or respond to a proposal, wAllaho’Alim.
Otherwise, if you merely read to each other from a list of questions or conversation-topics — at best you are throwing darts in the dark wondering if you will hit something that yells out in surprise. And at worst, you are ignoring the concerns that should be addressed.
Specific topics and questions to consider — an outline to build on:
Air and Water
–What are the roles of a husband?
–What are the roles of a wife?
This is a separate category because no other topic was so identified in research by Muslims and non-Muslims as a cause of divorce. Huh? Divorce? Yes, couples that have completely different ideas about these roles, and lacked the ability to concede or compromise — they often end their marriages.
“Air and Water” are essential for life, but we hardly ever have to talk about them. You might have additional topics that are “air and water” for you, but these two are different: they will affect everything else. If you are honest with each other now about your expectations, and if you can both breathe easily (accommodate each other), then later on, bi’idhnillah, you will only talk about these roles when you need to clear the air or get through murky waters. You can start the conversation in the abstract, what is the role of “a” husband and “a” wife, but you’re talking about each other.
Bread and Butter
–Finances including expectations of income and spending, who will work, what kind of work/income you would seek or refuse.
–Kids including how many and when, and how to raise them.
–Parents (ie. your kids’ grandparents, bi’idhnillah), other family, friends, socializing.
–Living arrangements including with or without parents and city/neighborhood and expectations of how big and how much.
Unlike “air and water” you can have as many bread and butter topics as you want. All of these things are important, and they may become the subject of arguments in a marriage if you do not discuss your expectations before marriage. But one thing that makes this category different from the others is that all the items are material or external in some fashion. Numbers, sizes, other people, stuff: how much of it do you want, by when, where, and does it even matter to you — assuming the other person has the same answers as you would be a mistake.
Veiled Gems
If you pay close attention to the discussions you and your potential spouse have during bread and butter topics, you will not only address each other’s expectations, bi ‘idhnillah, but also learn a lot about each other’s character.
For the same reason have conversations about goals and accomplishments, past and future — find out how each of you defines an accomplishment. See how much your goals, expectations, and priorities match with each other.
Have conversations about people in need — to find out whether the person cares about others or is more self-interested. Also to find out whether the person really listens to you, or is just waiting for his/her turn to speak. Finally, remember that marriage will have challenges too, and these conversations will help you figure out whether you are talking to someone that you can rely on if times are tough. Or naudhobillah, someone who would run at the first sign of trouble.
Note: see “poison pills.” When it comes to any conversation, but especially for a veiled gem, you are not digging for faults, but searching for genuine understanding. Allah is ar Rahman nir Raheem — you can be forgiving and merciful to each other without being judgmental, while thinking seriously about your compatibility.
Poison Pills
Anything at all about which you yourself do not care while you speak. Even a noble subject, if you talk about it when you do not care what you or the other person is saying could become ghafla. There is also the disastrous possibility that the other person will see you do not care about the conversation and believe you do not care about them — (perhaps) mistaking your attitude.
Immodest conversations in general. Imagine the two of you were sitting in a room with the woman’s father, and the man’s mother. If you think the topic would cause the mother to look away or the father to pull out a sword, then you’re probably thinking of a topic that should not be discussed. Maybe the problem is only that immodest words are being used to discuss a topic that is permissible for you — so exercise good judgment.
What happened to deen?
Fasabrun jameelun.
The Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam praised the quality of deen in a future spouse above wealth, beauty, family, and nobility.
Yet, you should realize that finding a religious person is not enough. You should have other things in common before marriage. Do look for a religious spouse, and choose one who is more compatible with you.
And a word of wisdom from past TDCs spoken by multiple shuyukh and advocates: when you search for a religious spouse, ask yourself if she would be happy with your religiosity, too! As Shaykh Yaser puts it, “Would you marry you?” — in this context would you be satisfied with a spouse who was only as religious as you?
Specific sources used in developing this handout: Fiqh of Love and Practimate.com (with Shaykh Yaser Birjas), 10 Conversations You Must Have Before Marriage by Dr. Guy Grenier, 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Monica Mendez Leahy, Article posted in the Al Maghrib forums by Rabbi Mordecai Rottman, MA, “Four things to look for in a spouse.”
Source: http://muslimmatters.org/2009/05/11/o-you-who-are-about-to-marry-any-last-words-any-first-words/
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Good Deed #47- Marry
1. 24:32 (Y. Ali) Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among yourselves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all, and he knoweth all things.
2. 4:4 (Y. Ali) And give the women (on marriage) their dower as a free gift; but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it and enjoy it with right good cheer.
3. 4:23 (Y. Ali) Prohibited to you (for marriage) are: your mothers, daughters, sisters; father’s sisters, other’s sisters; brother’s daughters, sister’s daughters; foster mothers (who gave you suck), foster sisters; your wives’ mothers; your step-daughters under your guardianship, born of your wives to whom ye have gone in, no prohibition if ye have not gone in; (those who have been) wives of your sons proceeding from your loins; and two sisters in wedlock at one and the same time, except for what is past; for Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
4. 25:54 (Y. Ali) It is He who has created man from water: then He has established relationships of lineage and marriage: for thy Lord has power (over all things).
5. Abdullah (b. Mas’ud) (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to us, “O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford it, should observe fast for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.” (Muslim 8:8:3233)
6. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.” ( Bayhqi)
7. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper.” (Bukhari 7:62:27)
8. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Nikah (marriage) is my Sunna. He who shuns my Sunna is not of me.” (Muslim)
Action Plan
1. Nikah is a mutual contract between the couple. Both parties mutually agree and enter into this contract. Both bride and groom have the liberty to define various terms and conditions of their liking and make them a part of this contract.
2. Give the bride mehr/mahr. Mahr is a token commitment of the husband’s responsibility and may be paid in cash, property or movable objects to the bride herself. The amount of mahr is not legally specified, however, moderation according to the existing social norm is recommended. The mahr may be paid immediately to the bride at the time of marriage, or deferred to a later date, or a combination of both.
3. Perform the sermon- The assembly of nikah is addressed with a marriage sermon (khutba-tun-nikah) by the Muslim officiating the marriage. Preferably a qadi or the imam of the masjid, who keeps a record of the marriage. The sermon invites the bride and the groom, as well as the participating guests in the assembly to a life of piety, mutual love, kindness, and social responsibility.
4. Primary requirements:
1. Mutual agreement (Ijab-O-Qubul) by the bride and the groom
2. Two adult sane witnesses
3. Mahr (marriage gift) to be paid by the groom to the bride either immediately (muajjal) or deferred (muakhkhar) or a combination of both
5. Secondary Requirements:
1. Legal guardian (wakeel) representing the bride
2. Written marriage contract (Aqd-Nikah) signed by the bride and the groom and witnesses by two adult and sane witnesses
3. Qadi (state appointed Muslim judge) or Ma’zoon (a responsible person officiating the marriage ceremony)
4. Khutba-tun-Nikah to solemnize the marriage
6. Groom should have a walimah after consummation of marriage. After the consummation of the marriage, the groom holds a banquet called a walimah. The relatives, neighbors, and friends are invited in order to make them aware of the marriage. Both rich and poor of the family and community are invited to the marriage feasts.
Source: http://1000gooddeeds.com/2009/10/12/good-deed-47-marry/
Also check out:
1. Good Deed #33- Accept Walimah invitations
2. Good Deed #34- Be intimate with your spouse
2. 4:4 (Y. Ali) And give the women (on marriage) their dower as a free gift; but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it and enjoy it with right good cheer.
3. 4:23 (Y. Ali) Prohibited to you (for marriage) are: your mothers, daughters, sisters; father’s sisters, other’s sisters; brother’s daughters, sister’s daughters; foster mothers (who gave you suck), foster sisters; your wives’ mothers; your step-daughters under your guardianship, born of your wives to whom ye have gone in, no prohibition if ye have not gone in; (those who have been) wives of your sons proceeding from your loins; and two sisters in wedlock at one and the same time, except for what is past; for Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
4. 25:54 (Y. Ali) It is He who has created man from water: then He has established relationships of lineage and marriage: for thy Lord has power (over all things).
5. Abdullah (b. Mas’ud) (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to us, “O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford it, should observe fast for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.” (Muslim 8:8:3233)
6. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.” ( Bayhqi)
7. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper.” (Bukhari 7:62:27)
8. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Nikah (marriage) is my Sunna. He who shuns my Sunna is not of me.” (Muslim)
Action Plan
1. Nikah is a mutual contract between the couple. Both parties mutually agree and enter into this contract. Both bride and groom have the liberty to define various terms and conditions of their liking and make them a part of this contract.
2. Give the bride mehr/mahr. Mahr is a token commitment of the husband’s responsibility and may be paid in cash, property or movable objects to the bride herself. The amount of mahr is not legally specified, however, moderation according to the existing social norm is recommended. The mahr may be paid immediately to the bride at the time of marriage, or deferred to a later date, or a combination of both.
3. Perform the sermon- The assembly of nikah is addressed with a marriage sermon (khutba-tun-nikah) by the Muslim officiating the marriage. Preferably a qadi or the imam of the masjid, who keeps a record of the marriage. The sermon invites the bride and the groom, as well as the participating guests in the assembly to a life of piety, mutual love, kindness, and social responsibility.
4. Primary requirements:
1. Mutual agreement (Ijab-O-Qubul) by the bride and the groom
2. Two adult sane witnesses
3. Mahr (marriage gift) to be paid by the groom to the bride either immediately (muajjal) or deferred (muakhkhar) or a combination of both
5. Secondary Requirements:
1. Legal guardian (wakeel) representing the bride
2. Written marriage contract (Aqd-Nikah) signed by the bride and the groom and witnesses by two adult and sane witnesses
3. Qadi (state appointed Muslim judge) or Ma’zoon (a responsible person officiating the marriage ceremony)
4. Khutba-tun-Nikah to solemnize the marriage
6. Groom should have a walimah after consummation of marriage. After the consummation of the marriage, the groom holds a banquet called a walimah. The relatives, neighbors, and friends are invited in order to make them aware of the marriage. Both rich and poor of the family and community are invited to the marriage feasts.
Source: http://1000gooddeeds.com/2009/10/12/good-deed-47-marry/
Also check out:
1. Good Deed #33- Accept Walimah invitations
2. Good Deed #34- Be intimate with your spouse
Next Topic
Initially, I wanted to put together some posts for Muslim men (going along with the Muslims in Society label). Unfortunately, I couldn't find anything specifically for brothers like I was able to for women and youth (teens). But, something I think would be good to mention and have posts on is about Muslim marriage and family life! So, this will be the next topic that I hope to start today and inshAllah get as many informative and beneficial posts together before Ramadan!
Friday, July 15, 2011
My Personal Thoughts on Issues (Muslim) Teens Face
There are a lot of issues that teens have to go through (especially being a Muslim in the West), not just the one I mentioned about girl-guy relationships and such. But, this is a big one I noticed which is why I included it with so much info. I couldn't find anything talking about more than one problem so below are some issues I came up with in no particular order of importance.
~Lack of interest in Islamic knowledge and practicing Islam correctly
"I'll take the time out to learn about Islam and practice later in life when I'm older and had some "fun". Well, who guaranteed you a long life that you will be able to repent for a life full of sins and just because you were "born Muslim" doesn't mean you have a space reserved in Heaven. You have to work for it and NOW is the time to change before it is too late!
~Music addiction
Excessive listening to music and keeping up with the useless facts about the lives of singers, rappers, performers, etc.
~Peer pressure
Trying to fit in with the crowd and being popular or just getting (bad) attention. A lot of time, money, and energy is wasted in trying to impress people who don't care about who you really are but how well and far you will go to copy them, whether it is fashion, looks, behavior, attitude, relationships, etc.
~Violence
ex. gangs
~Drugs
It's "cool." More like disgusting, dangerous, and a waste of time, money, and a life!
~Parent-teen relationship
Lack of respect from children for elders, especially their parents, and lack of understanding and communication from parents for their children's situation and the difficulties of being a Muslim teen in America. Give us a break and try to understand!
~Identity confusion
"Am I more or less of xxx (nationality), American, Muslim...?"
~Islam vs. culture
Confusion of Islam mixed with culture and picking and choosing "buffet style" what to practice and believe. This is usually picked up from elders and shows how much of an impact elders do have on young people, especially parents and their kids. More about this will be added later in my blog inshAllah.
~Lack of interest in Islamic knowledge and practicing Islam correctly
"I'll take the time out to learn about Islam and practice later in life when I'm older and had some "fun". Well, who guaranteed you a long life that you will be able to repent for a life full of sins and just because you were "born Muslim" doesn't mean you have a space reserved in Heaven. You have to work for it and NOW is the time to change before it is too late!
~Music addiction
Excessive listening to music and keeping up with the useless facts about the lives of singers, rappers, performers, etc.
~Peer pressure
Trying to fit in with the crowd and being popular or just getting (bad) attention. A lot of time, money, and energy is wasted in trying to impress people who don't care about who you really are but how well and far you will go to copy them, whether it is fashion, looks, behavior, attitude, relationships, etc.
~Violence
ex. gangs
~Drugs
It's "cool." More like disgusting, dangerous, and a waste of time, money, and a life!
~Parent-teen relationship
Lack of respect from children for elders, especially their parents, and lack of understanding and communication from parents for their children's situation and the difficulties of being a Muslim teen in America. Give us a break and try to understand!
~Identity confusion
"Am I more or less of xxx (nationality), American, Muslim...?"
~Islam vs. culture
Confusion of Islam mixed with culture and picking and choosing "buffet style" what to practice and believe. This is usually picked up from elders and shows how much of an impact elders do have on young people, especially parents and their kids. More about this will be added later in my blog inshAllah.
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